Understanding

I wish I understood things far better than I do.  Why some people act the way they do.  Why some people care about certain things but lack empathy for other things.  I wish I understood the right way to word my thoughts and emotions.  I wish I understood... anything.

There are so many facets to everything... and I'd just like to have a handle on one thing.  Something to give stability.  Anything...

I'm lost today.  In cool realization.  In extreme emotions I can't settle.  From one end of the spectrum to the other... thoughts racing... a desire for a calm... some solace.

Usually I can control this question... that keeps popping up.  A question I've never been asked by anyone other than myself.  A question I will never escape... because I haven't escaped it in these many years.

The question doesn't matter.  Neither does my answer to it.

I want something.  I have so much... that I feel I don't deserve.  I'm lucky to have what I have... who I have... but there is something I still crave... one last thing.

Something that will make me feel proud.  Deserving of the woman I have.  The life we have. 

Something I will always strive for.

Something that keeps me as sane as possible as often as possible.

Something that keeps me trying to learn how to control the ebb and flow of what's inside.

Something that will give solace.

Purpose.

Getting through the hard times

It is inevitable.  No matter the frequency, the intensity, the seriousness.  Everyone encounters hard times.

Sometimes it's in a friendship.  Within your family.  Your relationship.  Sometimes it's a health issue, a trust issue, a financial issue.  Time spent.  Time lost.  Aspects of the past... or the prospects in the future. 

So many things... and more.

I used to reach these issues with an apathetic attitude.  Giving no notice to what I may actually be feeling.  Running if it was serious.  Denying that it had an effect.  Today, I've grown past that.  To a degree, anyway.

Logically... I can't see a perfect way to handle a fight.  But this is what I've got so far... when it comes to my relationship.

I spend as short a time in quiet reflection as I can... working out why I'm upset, what aspects of my anger/sadness are rational and which are ridiculous.  I decide whether a discussion is necessary... if the argument is worth our time... and whether our relationship will be better if the issues reach a resolution... that is, if discussing or engaging in said argument will be constructive.

I try to show my  point while never discouraging hers.  I don't do name calling.  I try not to interrupt.

At the end of the argument, I make sure nothing is left unsaid.  I stay serious until everything is "ok."  I make sure she knows I love her.  If I said something I didn't mean, I make sure she knows it... and I apologize for it. 

So far... this is my ideal system.

There are moments that are hard to forgive.  The past is like a minefield the two of us created... I remember where some of them are buried but forget where we put the rest of them... and every so often... while walking... we trip one. 

I'd like to think that I've grown up some.  I am not perfect, but when I compare myself to who and what I once was... I can't help but be proud at some of the progress I've made.  That old mistakes haven't repeated.  That I'm truly and honestly happy.  That I've found what I've always wanted.

Fights... whatever the reasons... whatever the cause... are such a small thing to me.  We move past them quickly.  Usually forget them soon after.  And go on with our lives.

Most of the times, the resolution bring progress in our relationship.  The two of us become happier and stronger.

I can only hope the next time we go trekking through the minefield... we make it out alive.

Honest reflection

I'm having a day unlike many I often face.  A day where everything makes sense.  My emotions are rational and relatively controllable.  It is something I'm not blessed with often.

I'm looking back on the mistakes of the past.  The problems at present.  The hopes for the future.  I don't see anything that scares me.  A rare occurrence indeed...

The thing is... the only thing that could scare me... is losing Sara.  Scarier still... I've never found myself holding onto something that I could lose so tightly. 

In the past I learned that coveting something... desiring it... relying on it... was foolish.  The more you need what you have... the more it hurts when it's ripped away.  I refused to believe anything could last forever.  I overrationalized every aspect of life, put humor into humorless situations... distancing myself from my feelings.  My needs.  My wants.

I built up a sort of wall... one to separate the truth from myself.  That way nothing could hurt me... no more than I could control.

It wasn't a perfect system.

Silence was my answer to all forms of dispute.   If I didn't say it, I couldn't regret it.  If I didn't say the immature, ridiculous thing, I wasn't the immature ridiculous one.  I was the good guy.  A title I sought fervently.

To this day, I still exhibit some of this key behaviors.  I still don't go in depth about how much Lily means to me and how much not seeing her hurts.  I can't laugh or smile sometimes when it would normally be a natural subconscious response.  I can't look into Sara's eyes or at her face for too long because if I lost her, I'd never get to look upon it again and the less I look and take it all in... the less I'll miss it.

It's on a day like today... of complete rationality... that I realize...

I'm losing everything.  Key moments.  Key feelings.

I love my daughter Lily.  Her personality is an amazing thing... so different from mine... yet there are these little things she does where I see myself.  It makes me proud everytime.  And yet it is in the ways she's different that I find the most solace.  It is hard to have her for six hours every two weeks... knowing I am missing huge moments... milestones... that I will never get back.  She will grow and learn in a way that I will have very little input on.  She will have questions that I may have answers for that I will never hear... let alone resolve for her.  I can only hope the future will be brighter... that I will get more time... and I will fight towards this endeavor... no matter what.

There is no solace in what's temporary.  We all need the things that can't be lost.  When we lose the things around us, we're left with an empty feeling... a feeling that can't be filled.  Because when  you lose something important... it can never be replaced.  Only honored.  Cherished.  Remembered.