A Day of Reflection

It's depressing...

Thinking about my failures, my assertions that aren't based on facts, and the idea that what I want can't and won't happen.

I'm a stubborn mess.

When what I want becomes a "never gonna happen" occurrence... I lack the faith and strength to rise above it.

Yet I do it.

I plug in my headphones... I listen to some music... I write.

It helps me stay neutral.

It helps me combat the embarrassment my disorder is.

It helps me stay... happy.

I need to stay happy no matter what's going on in my life.  If I lose track of my strengths, I fall victim to an uncertain future.

I need to build a future, not fix a past.

I'll fight towards a better tomorrow.

Always.

Good song, good pirate

A Book I'm Working On... Rough Draft!

First let me preface this entry with one thing...

I'm not a doctor.  I'm just a guy who has this disorder.  I've had it since I was 21 (diagnosed anyways) when I first showed my high (a state of mind where you believe illogical things, can't sleep, etc).

That being said, if you believe you have these symptoms, please contact a health professional immediately.

Story below:

Bipolar Disorder

One Man’s Journey Through the Trenches

By Michael Kelly

It’s hard to explain how I got to this point.  I remember the beginning of my story, but the pieces are fragmented… like water seeping from a paper cup.

There have been many things that led me to the man I am today. 

My family… my friends… and one person in particular.

My daughter.

Through her eyes, through her actions… I’ve seen that the last thing I’d want is to see her follow in my footsteps.

It kept me from suicide.  It kept me on my meds.  It kept me healthy… strong… capable… and today, it’s the reason I’m writing this book.

I love everyone that’s played a role in making me the man I am today… but in the end, I owe Lily my life.

This book is for you sweetheart.

Love,

Dad

Chapter 1

Realizing You Have The Disorder

There are many ways to recognize this disorder, but in the end only a doctor can diagnose it.  This may be a difficult truth to face as in my case, I liked to do everything by myself.  I had to put my trust into the hands of a stranger, and I hated that idea.

My family was behind me through it all.  Their strength and wisdom pushed me into door of the doctor for the first time.

Don’t ever forget… family is family… and they will be there… through the good times and the bad.

Chapter2

The Importance of Meds

I can’t stress this enough… some of us have deficiencies and medication is an important/vital/mandatory part of dealing with the many stressors that come with being Bipolar.

Chapter 3

What Makes YOU An Authority?

Life experience… I’ve been Bipolar for four years and thanks to the SSDI I receive, my family being close, and all the time spent with my daughter… I was lucky to realize what I stood to lose… as well as what I wanted out of life.

What do I want?

To write.  To educate.  To be the voice I’ve always felt I needed to be.

I want to help people in my situation so that the worst doesn’t happen…

Chapter 4

Dedication Page

I dedicate this book to my doctors, my friends, my family, and everyone else who helped me reach this point of englightenment.  Thank you for everything you guys… if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. 

Chapter 5

Keeping Your Thoughts Organized

You may find yourself on a low finding apathy as a crutch.  Do whatever you need to get back to neutral.  You are no good to your family if you’re too low…

…and the same goes for being too high.

A high may feel great.  You feel driven… accomplished… you feel you can take on the world.

The problem isn’t what you wish to attain during a high.  The problem lies in how dangerous you are, to yourself and others, while in one.

I don’t mean to say “You’re gonna hurt people!”

Not physically anyways.

It’s up to a doctor to help you with your new diagnosis.  He’ll make the decisions necessary to get you to a neutral state.  Trust him… he’s there for one reason and one reason only…

He’s there for you.

Chapter 6

How To Cope If You Are On The Wrong Meds

This is a decision the people closest to you will need to make, at least in the beginning. 

It won’t take you long to realize… wait a minute… I’m too high… I’m too low… I’m too sensitive… I’m too hot… too cold… blah blah blah.

The first thing you need to do is get to a hospital and tell your doctor.  He’ll help guide you into a better med regiment.

Pretty soon with his help, your input, and your family’s knowledge (something that grows with yours), you will find the right combination.

I can’t impart the importance of trust enough.

Focus, interact, and find your own way.

M.C.K. 12.27.2011