Fighting Writer's Block

It's like a disease.  Get yourself checked.

I realized today... my life sounds terrible on paper.

When I say it outloud I think... that's my life?  This isn't where I wanted to be at 25.

I wanted the house.  Kids running around.  A cat (and maybe a dog).  I wanted all that normal stuff.

But I'm lucky... at least, where my disorder is concerned.

It's getting easier.  The lows, the highs, the coping... all of it is just... easier.

So maybe I'll have a different kind of life.  It'll sound terrible on paper... but I'll be happy.

Maybe drug induced... but hey, that's life.

What next?

I get asked this question a lot.  I usually don't like to think of what's lying further down the road (except where my daughter is concerned).  I like to live in the moment, react to whatever is happening at the time.

Now that it seems we've acquired some semblance of stability, it has me thinking of the future.

Immediate future?  Get a car.  Do the things that make me happy.  Keep improving in terms of what I do in my day to day.

Two years down the road?  Have a place with a room just for my daughter.  I'm going to start getting her overnights and I want her to have a room to call her own.

Four years down the road?  Hopefully by this time I'm well into college, aiming for a degree that will qualify me for some  high paying job that will be as stress free as humanly possible.

Then when I have all my ducks in a row, I'll think about starting up a relationship again.

I've reached this point of contentment where I don't live or die depending on if I'm seeing someone or not.  It's not that I've given up the notion of "true love" and "soul mates."  It's just that... there is so much in this world that I need to accomplish before I can be proud of the man I am.  Once I'm happy with who I am, the hours I put into a career, the stability of my mind... I'll be ready.

But first... I need to prove stability over time.  If we really have found the right combo of meds, the right dosage... I know that I'll be able to be everything I've always wanted to be.

Reaching for the light

I saw the cover of Incubus's Monuments and Melodies album again today.  I've seen it loads of times but never really gave it much thought.

This time I visually dissected it.

It shows a person reaching for the light on a huge lantern fish, its mouth opened ready to swallow the person.

It made me think...

We all have goals... aspirations... dreams we want to see come to fruition.  This person actually reached for his (touching a light with a dangerous fate imminent) and it will probably cost him his life.

A depressing thought to be sure.  Yet in that single moment... seconds before the fish swallows him up... what if he did touch the light?  The emotions of accomplishment, reaching for the impossible and actually attaining it...

That's what I want to feel.

Minus the giant lantern fish.