Christmas is almost upon us...

...and I'm done Christmas shopping.  I was able to get some things for all of my nephews, my mother, my stepfather, my girlfriend's parents, Lily, and last but not least... Molly.  I have a present picked out for my father I just wasn't able to afford it this holiday season.  I'll have it ready for him for his birthday in January.

So what has happened since my trip to Boise?

Well, I had purchased a bus ticket but Molly decided to come home with me... so we cancelled it and took the drive up together.  I must admit there was a major bump in the road... Molly felt her family didn't accept me... or never would... or... well, I don't know.  Perhaps there were many reasons... but basically... she didn't tell them she was leaving.

Imagine my surprise when I met her on the sidewalk one afternoon... her in tears... telling her mother on the phone that she'd "tell me something."  She told me about the lie... and well... I forgave her on the spot.

It's funny how when you meet the one... no trespass is too great... no folly too big to get over... no issue too hard to fix.  We had many long, deep conversations.  We resolved to set things right and started planning the trip back to Boise.

After a treacherous cold descended upon us, making us pretty much bed ridden... we had to push the trip back a couple days.  Luckily I got over it just in time to make it for the weekend.

I met her father (an honest, hardworking, caring man) and faced many hard questions and uncomfortable silences.  But we got past it.  They told Molly that if she loved me, they would too.  They accepted me.  My disorder being what it was and my impetuous shy nature was the hardest roadblock of the weekend. 

I felt ultimately responsible, and in all honesty, I still feel responsible... for everything shaking out the way it did.  I didn't know that Molly's father wanted to meet me.  I didn't know that they had no idea she was making the life changing decision to leave school, work, friends, and family behind for one man they really didn't know.  But she made all those decisions for me.  She lied to be with me.  Now it's my job as her best friend, her boyfriend, and her one true love... to provide for her.

And while we are living with my parents at the moment, as soon as she secures a job...any job... part time, full time, whatever... we'll be in our own place.  I have promised her this.  I wish I could do it on my own... but I'm still on Social Security... and unfortunately, new information has come out that makes me feel that could slightly more permanent than I ever realized.

I received a letter less than a week ago that states that I'm permanently disabled.  Good news is... I'm covered on my mother's insurance as long as she's employed with Premera.  Bad news is... well, I'm sure you can guess.

The letter hit me harder than I thought it would.  Of course I knew I would live with this disorder for the entirety of my life.  I knew that my particular case was especially severe.  That my odds of making it to 30 are 20%.  I know that if I don't take those 7 pills every day I will lose my mind, my entire grip on reality... and it is widely believed that if I have another breakdown I may not come back from it.  I could be lost in the psychosis forever.  I would lose Lily.  I would lose my sense of self.  I would lose Molly.

All of this I knew.

I also know that my case was severe enough to warrant me getting Social Security with my first attempt... despite the fact that most people are usually denied. 

But...

To find out the disorder is still... at 26... so severe that a major insurance company agrees to cover you for twenty... thirty... or more years...

It was hard.

When I first found out about my disorder, I was relieved.  We had a name to give to the ailments.  A name meant we could treat it.

But the finality of what I have...

The fact that I may never work again...

That I may never offer more to Molly than what the state gives me...

It was too much.

I wanted to send Molly home.  I told her she deserved better but... she told me to shut up.  That she loved me.  She supported me.  She didn't care.  She would never leave me.

God I love her...

But is she doomed to a life of mediocrity?

I'm resolved to work so that doesn't happen.

I will be a writer.  Maybe my book was never  meant to be one about superheroes... or war... or fictional characters.  Maybe it's more personal.  Maybe it's about a man who struggles to survive... struggles to find self worth... works to be a parent, a brother, a son, a husband...

Maybe it will be my story.

Being bipolar...

Not being able to work...

It's indescribable.  I defined myself by my ability to work.  I was the best.  Perfect.  Always at the highest echelon.  Then the stress of being better... more perfect... all of that would set in.  I'd crumble.  I'd break.

I can't do that...

But... I can write...

It may not be next week.  It may not be next month.  But I will write my story...

Writing is my strength.  And it is my sincerest hope that my story is worthy.  That readers can connect.  That it can invoke thought and emotions and discussion.

I have high hopes for the future.

I will provide for the woman who stands beside me.

I will provide for the daughter who brightens up my world.

I will give back to the government that has sustained me.  To the world that has sheltered me.  To the family that has had my back through it all.

I will prove my worth to my new family... and to myself.

Here's to the rest of my life.

Missing the little one

While I'm glad I'm helping my Grandmother right now, and I'm glad that I live in such close proximity to my significant other... I do miss Lily.  A lot.

From seeing her twice a week to not at all... it's hard.  She's growing independent, and fast... which is good and bad.  Good because she'll be her own woman and self reliant.  Bad because she's my little girl and I'm going to miss her coming up to me all the time.

Part of growing up...

She's in school now.  I'm so proud of her.  She's so ridiculously smart.  Her mom really takes the time and works with her.  She's got my memory... we often play memory games and she has no problem with them.  She's going to breeze through school...

And she's such an extrovert... making friends will never be a problem for her.

We go on walks every visit.  Usually just around the block.  Most of the time I end up carrying her.  Her up on my shoulders, ducking under low hanging tree branches from the neighbors' yards.  She asks questions about the flowers, the squirrels, pretty much all things nature.  I cherish these moments with her.

She plays video games now, so we'll start up the Xbox and jump into something I feel is kid friendly.  As much as she loves fighting zombies, I feel COD may have to wait...

She loves hide and seek.  She would play it all day without once getting bored.  She's also taken to playing fetch with Roxy, Chad's dog.  It's cute to listen to her call out "Roxy Rue!  Fetch!"

Next summer I'll start getting her overnights.  I can't wait.  I plan on having a place with her own room set up.  Molly should be in Spokane by that point.  She has a bed already ready for her.

I can't wait to introduce Molly to Lily.  Molly is nervous, which is understandable.  I tell her to not worry... to be herself.  Lily loves everybody.  And she does.  She's got the biggest heart.

So while I'm not looking forward to leaving family and Molly behind... I am looking forward to seeing my daughter once more.  She's the light that brightens up the shadows I sometimes find in my life. 

I miss that crazy kid.

It's been a while...

It's been almost a year since I last visited this site.  I simply stopped caring to write.  I wanted to forget everything. 

I focused on my life.  My friends.  My family.  My little girl.

I improved my quality of life through a new medication.

I met somebody... incredible.

Life is great.

As I get older, it gets harder to write.  I hardly update Facebook.  I don't comment on posts.  Journals have fallen by the wayside.  I hope to remedy that last one at least...

My writing used to feel like such a gift... something so inherently good... something worth pursuing.  Now, I'm lucky to keep a text conversation via the phone going.

But I won't go quietly into the night. 

So here goes...

I was single for a while.  Two years, nearly... after Sara.  There was a minor disaster of a relationship with someone.  It lasted a few weeks, if that.  But other than that... I was single.  Happy.  Lonely, but happy.  But as this year hit the halfway point... I started taking a good hard look at love.  What it used to mean to me.

I was so in love with love... a romantic, at heart.

Could I feel that way again?

Enter eHarmony...

Bad luck.  I was brutally honest from the beginning.  I'm bipolar.  I'm on Social Security.  Many walked away.  The few that were fine with it, I pushed away... as I've been known to do.  Something didn't feel right.  Things weren't clicking.  I sabotaged date after date.

Then... I met her.

Everything I've ever looked for in a girl... she has.  She is the culmination of my dreams.  She is a goddess.  Beautiful.  Funny.  Kind.  Intelligent.  She's stubborn to a fault.  She's a force of nature.  She has an Italian temper.  She's a gamer.  She's a geek, like me.  Whether we're on a date or at home... I feel completely at ease.  I've confided in her things I've never confided in another.  She knows me.

Her name is Molly.  She knows about my condition and where I'm at in life.  She understands.  She supports me.  She pushes me to be better.  I'm truly blessed.

We're alike to the point of ridiculousness.  Usually I would hold that opposites attract but not with us.  Having the commonalities brings us closer together.

The only downfall is her location.  She's in Boise, while I'm 6 and a half hours away in Spokane.

We met a few weeks ago, as I went down to Boise to help out my Grandmother while she got her health checked out.  A family emergency in which my job status (rather, lack thereof) allowed me to be there for her.  We're going in for an Angiogram next week.  We're optimistic.

Molly and I... we Skype every night.  We text every day.  We talk whenever possible.  And currently, I see her as often as I can. 

Soon I'll be heading back to Spokane, which I naturally have mixed feelings about.  I can't wait to see my little girl.  It's been too long already.  I want to see family... friends.  But I can't even conceive how much I'm going to miss this girl.  Mo anam cara.  My soul mate.

I've pushed her away once or twice, and she's been stubborn and strong... looking through my defense mechanism and calling me out.  I don't push her away anymore.  I don't need to.  She's who I want.  I will never risk losing that.

We have a healthy relationship.  We fight at times.  We say the wrong things.  We make up.  I do things that drive her crazy and she lets me know it.  I do them anyway.  Apparently I mumble on the phone...

She's my best friend.

She makes me happy when I'm in a low.  She's there whenever I need her.  Leaving her is going to be... most difficult.

When will I see her again?  That question keeps ruminating in my head...

Technology is great.  Long distance relationships... they aren't what they used to be.  With Skype I can see her everyday.  I know we'll make it through.

Those romances that take flight suddenly... where you fall hard... and fast.  That's what I've found.  It's incredible.  Truly.

I had feelings for an ex.  For years.  I had to talk to her, even while in a relationship.  She was my rock.  It was actually unfair.  I would tell her things that I'd never tell current girlfriends.  It was like only half of my heart belonged to them.

But now...

The need for her in my life... it's evaporated.  A distant memory. 

This is the first relationship since I was 14 that I've been wholly invested.

And boy... am I invested.

As things progress... as things get more serious... I see an amazing future. 

I look forward to each step we take.

I love her.

That's where I'm at romantically.  Very happy.  Very admired.  Very adored.

So what else has happened in the last year...

Lily turned 5 in July.  I can't believe it.  I refuse to.  She has turned into the most independent and hilarious child.  I love her with all my heart.

My sister is pregnant and will be induced on October 4th.  My roommate and best friend Chad is engaged to be married.  That will be happening in August of next year.  A family friend (Chad's brother, actually) Lee is battling leukemia again (he just went into remission a few months ago).  My stepfather had a heart attack, but he's recovering well.  My Grandmother is going through similar heart problems and is looking at a stint next week.

I'm on new meds.  Well rather one new med.  But man... it has made a difference.  My quality of life is through the roof.  I'm more active, I clean, I'm consistently stable and happy.  Lows are rare these days and the highs are far less frequent.  I'm actually cleared for work.  When I get home I'll be taking advantage of that.

Life, despite the hiccups... despite the stress... despite the bad shit... is not as bad as it was.

I'll be much happier once my Grandmother's surgery is done... and she's back on her feet.  I try to do as much as I can think to do but I wish I could be doing more for them. 

I'm sure there's more that I've forgotten about... but all in all, that's the basic gist.

It is my sincerest hope that I update this more frequently.  I want to voice things here for Molly, to bridge the distance between us.  I want her to know everything about me, as I've been learning all about her.

One more note...

She plays Call of Duty.  She actually got me a copy of Black Ops 2.  I'm looking forward to stomping her in points in Zombies once I get home.  :)