It's Christmas Eve. Sara is sleeping next to me, dealing with a cold. I'm worried, as I always am when she feels less than optimal. With each cough I'm just seeing I'm seeing an increase in the severity of the conditions. I just want her to feel better for Christmas. This is all I want for Christmas.
It has been a crazy year. I made a move away from so many friends and family members to see what life in Montana would hold for me. To progress my education, to get a trade, to find my way, and to be with the amazing woman I met earlier this year. It was a sacrifice in some ways, but nonetheless, I am happy with everything I've gained. A fiance. Our menagerie. A bright and happy future. It will only get better from here.
I can't wait to see my little one open up the presents so many have sent to her. It is her and my 2nd Christmas together (hers and Sara's 1st) and I'm excited to see the joy that is ALWAYS on her face this time of year. I don't get to see her often. To be honest, this is a constant source of frustration and melancholy for me. I'm just glad I get to share in at least this with her. I'll get plenty of pictures of her for those of you who can't be there. Thanks again for helping ensure she has an amazing Christmas.
This time of year, I'm reminded of my past. How I felt, who couldn't be there, who was. Our mom was always trying so hard to give us a Christmas where there was no disappointment, no missed presents. Every toy we circled in the big Toys R Us book under the tree... every hint at what we wanted hidden somewhere under a bow. She did way more than she had to. Way more than we needed. Only now am I able to fully understand how hard it had to have made things. I just want to thank you Mom... I may not remember the toy that held my captivation... the movie that demanded I owned it immediately... the book that I couldn't get from a library... or the electronics we didn't need but had to have. I do remember being extremely happy despite how crazy our lives got sometimes... and how hard you fought to give us the life we had. My Dad was there as often as he could be. It was easy when he was stationed nearby. I remember Christmas was difficult the years he wasn't there. Yet we'd always get something amazing. They were amazing in how practical they were. Things you use often but never would have thought to ask for. You never knew you needed them but once you had them, you have no idea how you got on so far without them. This tradition continues to this day. I am deeply appreciative for how hard he fought to be there for us on Christmas. I know he was doing... and still is doing... important work for our country. Thank you Dad.
The true meaning of Christmas, although defined differently by so many people in so many ways, didn't become clear to me until later in life. I will admit, I tried hard as a child to give presents. Years I could and years I couldn't. It did bring me joy but each Christmas it was the presents that waited for me that brought me more excitement than seeing the smiles brought on by the presents to others. As I got older and older, I felt the dynamic shift. Once Lily was born, it was like everything made perfect sense. I felt bad for years where I thought "what will I get?" instead of "what am I giving?" There is no matched joy for the way I felt last Christmas. Seeing my little girl get presents from my family and I. There was no greed on her face, in her demeanor. She just had this excited smile as she opened each toy. She played with each of them before she'd even consider opening the next one. Halfway through, she stopped opening entirely and I had to take over. She didn't need, want, expect, or demand what was under the tree. She was content. And very, very happy. I realized then that THAT was what it was all about. I cannot remember being more enlightened or more happy in my life.
My family helps make sure that Lily has a great Christmas each year. Even the year I didn't get to see her, they were there with presents that were waiting for her when I was awarded my time with her. Nothing could make up for that first Christmas. Not for my inability to be there. Not for the reason it wasn't so. All I can fight for is knowing I will try as long as I live to never miss another.
We're spending Christmas Eve with Sara's parents and Christmas with mine. I feel guilty for taking her away on Christmas and I miss knowing this will be my first Christmas Eve that we don't follow the tradition of opening one present on this day. It's compromising, I suppose. I just hope Sara is happy this Christmas. I am just in having her.
To those of you I can't see... for those of you I never can again... for those of you who have made this year and my life so great... Merry Christmas.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Let's start shall we?
I'm sure the people who read this first post will already know these things about me. I'm 24 and have bipolar disorder. I'm a father to a beautiful little girl named Lily Sakura. Sakura means cherry blossom. Hopefully one of the two flowers are a favorite of hers... or at least, I hope she doesn't abhor one of the two. Her name is Lily for two reasons: the first, it's a song by The Smashing Pumpkins. Secondly, there's a character in Harry Potter who sacrificed herself for the love she felt for her child. It's a bravery I expect all mothers possess. I thought the spelling was beautiful. It just seemed right. I don't see my daughter as often as I'd like. Though I may not always show it, this is constantly on my mind and I miss her far more than I ever voice. I'm in the process of getting more time and finding a suitable and comfortable schedule for the both of us to spend time together.
I have amazing family and friends as well. They were there when I needed them the most. They were there when I decided to move to Montana. I receive support and wisdom from these people daily and I'd like to recognize them.
My parents. My father is Sean. He's a Major in the USAF and someone I am extremely proud of. He's someone I relate to even more now when I look at my relationship with my daughter. I know he must have felt how I do now... wanting to see us more, every day if possible... to pass on his wisdom. To share in our triumphs. To know all our thoughts. To help chase away our fears. He did an amazing job of raising us as his job took him all over the United States. It is my relationship with my father that I think back on most as I overcome the difficulties I endure and have endured when it comes to Lily. My mother is Tammy. The best way I can describe her is by her actions. She's someone who's always thinking "how can I help them" before she considers "how can I help me?" Her empathy and her hard work were something I saw everyday. I've become a better person because of these two people. I can never thank them enough for their parenting, their sacrifices, and their wisdom.
My siblings. My sister Shauna and I were extremely close growing up. Her thought process is like mine, but more mature. She can see the bigger picture a lot more clearly than I can. She's much more stable and has a great handle on her life. She always has. She's a hard worker and someone you HAVE to know. She is an amazing mother. I'm proud of the woman she's become. Lauren and I became kindred spirits, especially in matters of sense of humor, as we both reached high school. We would spend days watching japanese cartoons, making jokes about what was on television. She would sit and watch me play videogames and share in my philosophical takes on the endings. She grew up fast. She's about to become a parent herself. She's very responsible and has the work ethic of our parents. I'm proud of the woman she is as well. My brother Connor looked up to me a lot growing up. There was a pretty big gap in age growing up. He was my shadow and I learned a lot about the influence my actions and words could have on the people I cared about who were around me. He's very different from me now. He's still finding his way but he has the lessons of the people around him. I can tell he's going to grow up to be a happy man. Ayla is my youngest sister. She is brilliant, funny, and the definition of the word extrovert. She will make a huge impact in whatever she decides to do when she finds her way. I wish I could see her more and I greatly value the time and correspondence we do have together.
My family doesn't end there: Stepdad and Stepmom. Brother in laws. Sara's parents. Her brother, sister in law, and their child. Grandma Linda. Grandma Janaan. The rest of Sara's family that I've had the fortune of meeting. My stepdad is someone I'd hate to let down. He's a very hard worker, gives much more than he receives, and has lived an amazing life. My stepmom is someone who is smart, philosophical, funny, caring, and who works amazingly hard daily. It's not uncommon to see her come in late or leave early. It's not uncommon to not be awake to see either of these events. She is my dad's soul mate. It is their relationship that inspired me to find Sara. Lauren's husband is a very intelligent and self assured person. You can discuss things with him, but you better know what you're talking about. He probably knows a great deal about the topic. He loves my sister and I know he's going to be a great father to their son. Shauna's husband treats her amazingly well, she is extremely happy, and I am lucky to know him. I approved of him instantly (not that Shauna needed that) because I could tell he would always, ALWAYS take care of her. My nephew is hilarious... every story I hear about him gets me rolling and I can't wait to see what route he takes with his life. Then there are Sara's parents. They are the type of people you can't believe you had the fortune of meeting. You cannot find a thing wrong with them, they treat you with such dignity and respect, and they are two people I'd hate to disappoint. I want to make sure I take care of their daughter in every way I can out of love and respect for them. Sara's brother and sister in law are just... very good people and very amazing parents. They are a perfect couple and you can tell within five seconds of their company that they will go the distance. My Grandma Linda is very caring, very giving, and I can tell where my mom got the way she lives her life. She has overcome great adversity with grace and optimism and I will never forget all she's done for myself, my family, and Lily. My Grandma Janaan is someone I have fond memories of. I remember many times, growing up with my siblings, at her house. Easters. Ice cream with far too much syrup. Jam. War (playing cards). Puzzles and wind up toys. She is someone I wish I could see more. I know her insight would prove invaluable. Sara's Grandmother... her Aunts... they are just happy, intelligent, and caring people. It is easy to see where Sara got her huge heart from... and the way she views the world. Everything I love about her are things you can see in her family. I hope I never disappoint them in the man I'm becoming.
I can't touch on every friend (because I have so many great ones) but there is one I do want to bring up. Chad is a guy who has, quite honestly, been through hell with me. He doesn't view me differently. He doesn't treat me differently. He helps me on a regular basis with the funny things, the important things, the life altering things, and the daily things. His sense of humor is rare; his insight, unparalleled. I value his opinion in a great deal of my decisions. Thanks for everything bro.
I know... I touched on a lot of people. I missed even more. I wanted to provide insight for myself, for anyone who reads this, and I wanted to thank the people I wrote about if they read this so they would see all I see in them... and how much I appreciate it. I hope to prove to be the man many of you think I am and can become. I don't want to fail anyone in this.
Now I better go back to my extremely patient fiance who let me get up late and work on this. Feel better.
I have amazing family and friends as well. They were there when I needed them the most. They were there when I decided to move to Montana. I receive support and wisdom from these people daily and I'd like to recognize them.
My parents. My father is Sean. He's a Major in the USAF and someone I am extremely proud of. He's someone I relate to even more now when I look at my relationship with my daughter. I know he must have felt how I do now... wanting to see us more, every day if possible... to pass on his wisdom. To share in our triumphs. To know all our thoughts. To help chase away our fears. He did an amazing job of raising us as his job took him all over the United States. It is my relationship with my father that I think back on most as I overcome the difficulties I endure and have endured when it comes to Lily. My mother is Tammy. The best way I can describe her is by her actions. She's someone who's always thinking "how can I help them" before she considers "how can I help me?" Her empathy and her hard work were something I saw everyday. I've become a better person because of these two people. I can never thank them enough for their parenting, their sacrifices, and their wisdom.
My siblings. My sister Shauna and I were extremely close growing up. Her thought process is like mine, but more mature. She can see the bigger picture a lot more clearly than I can. She's much more stable and has a great handle on her life. She always has. She's a hard worker and someone you HAVE to know. She is an amazing mother. I'm proud of the woman she's become. Lauren and I became kindred spirits, especially in matters of sense of humor, as we both reached high school. We would spend days watching japanese cartoons, making jokes about what was on television. She would sit and watch me play videogames and share in my philosophical takes on the endings. She grew up fast. She's about to become a parent herself. She's very responsible and has the work ethic of our parents. I'm proud of the woman she is as well. My brother Connor looked up to me a lot growing up. There was a pretty big gap in age growing up. He was my shadow and I learned a lot about the influence my actions and words could have on the people I cared about who were around me. He's very different from me now. He's still finding his way but he has the lessons of the people around him. I can tell he's going to grow up to be a happy man. Ayla is my youngest sister. She is brilliant, funny, and the definition of the word extrovert. She will make a huge impact in whatever she decides to do when she finds her way. I wish I could see her more and I greatly value the time and correspondence we do have together.
My family doesn't end there: Stepdad and Stepmom. Brother in laws. Sara's parents. Her brother, sister in law, and their child. Grandma Linda. Grandma Janaan. The rest of Sara's family that I've had the fortune of meeting. My stepdad is someone I'd hate to let down. He's a very hard worker, gives much more than he receives, and has lived an amazing life. My stepmom is someone who is smart, philosophical, funny, caring, and who works amazingly hard daily. It's not uncommon to see her come in late or leave early. It's not uncommon to not be awake to see either of these events. She is my dad's soul mate. It is their relationship that inspired me to find Sara. Lauren's husband is a very intelligent and self assured person. You can discuss things with him, but you better know what you're talking about. He probably knows a great deal about the topic. He loves my sister and I know he's going to be a great father to their son. Shauna's husband treats her amazingly well, she is extremely happy, and I am lucky to know him. I approved of him instantly (not that Shauna needed that) because I could tell he would always, ALWAYS take care of her. My nephew is hilarious... every story I hear about him gets me rolling and I can't wait to see what route he takes with his life. Then there are Sara's parents. They are the type of people you can't believe you had the fortune of meeting. You cannot find a thing wrong with them, they treat you with such dignity and respect, and they are two people I'd hate to disappoint. I want to make sure I take care of their daughter in every way I can out of love and respect for them. Sara's brother and sister in law are just... very good people and very amazing parents. They are a perfect couple and you can tell within five seconds of their company that they will go the distance. My Grandma Linda is very caring, very giving, and I can tell where my mom got the way she lives her life. She has overcome great adversity with grace and optimism and I will never forget all she's done for myself, my family, and Lily. My Grandma Janaan is someone I have fond memories of. I remember many times, growing up with my siblings, at her house. Easters. Ice cream with far too much syrup. Jam. War (playing cards). Puzzles and wind up toys. She is someone I wish I could see more. I know her insight would prove invaluable. Sara's Grandmother... her Aunts... they are just happy, intelligent, and caring people. It is easy to see where Sara got her huge heart from... and the way she views the world. Everything I love about her are things you can see in her family. I hope I never disappoint them in the man I'm becoming.
I can't touch on every friend (because I have so many great ones) but there is one I do want to bring up. Chad is a guy who has, quite honestly, been through hell with me. He doesn't view me differently. He doesn't treat me differently. He helps me on a regular basis with the funny things, the important things, the life altering things, and the daily things. His sense of humor is rare; his insight, unparalleled. I value his opinion in a great deal of my decisions. Thanks for everything bro.
I know... I touched on a lot of people. I missed even more. I wanted to provide insight for myself, for anyone who reads this, and I wanted to thank the people I wrote about if they read this so they would see all I see in them... and how much I appreciate it. I hope to prove to be the man many of you think I am and can become. I don't want to fail anyone in this.
Now I better go back to my extremely patient fiance who let me get up late and work on this. Feel better.
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