...and I'm done Christmas shopping. I was able to get some things for all of my nephews, my mother, my stepfather, my girlfriend's parents, Lily, and last but not least... Molly. I have a present picked out for my father I just wasn't able to afford it this holiday season. I'll have it ready for him for his birthday in January.
So what has happened since my trip to Boise?
Well, I had purchased a bus ticket but Molly decided to come home with me... so we cancelled it and took the drive up together. I must admit there was a major bump in the road... Molly felt her family didn't accept me... or never would... or... well, I don't know. Perhaps there were many reasons... but basically... she didn't tell them she was leaving.
Imagine my surprise when I met her on the sidewalk one afternoon... her in tears... telling her mother on the phone that she'd "tell me something." She told me about the lie... and well... I forgave her on the spot.
It's funny how when you meet the one... no trespass is too great... no folly too big to get over... no issue too hard to fix. We had many long, deep conversations. We resolved to set things right and started planning the trip back to Boise.
After a treacherous cold descended upon us, making us pretty much bed ridden... we had to push the trip back a couple days. Luckily I got over it just in time to make it for the weekend.
I met her father (an honest, hardworking, caring man) and faced many hard questions and uncomfortable silences. But we got past it. They told Molly that if she loved me, they would too. They accepted me. My disorder being what it was and my impetuous shy nature was the hardest roadblock of the weekend.
I felt ultimately responsible, and in all honesty, I still feel responsible... for everything shaking out the way it did. I didn't know that Molly's father wanted to meet me. I didn't know that they had no idea she was making the life changing decision to leave school, work, friends, and family behind for one man they really didn't know. But she made all those decisions for me. She lied to be with me. Now it's my job as her best friend, her boyfriend, and her one true love... to provide for her.
And while we are living with my parents at the moment, as soon as she secures a job...any job... part time, full time, whatever... we'll be in our own place. I have promised her this. I wish I could do it on my own... but I'm still on Social Security... and unfortunately, new information has come out that makes me feel that could slightly more permanent than I ever realized.
I received a letter less than a week ago that states that I'm permanently disabled. Good news is... I'm covered on my mother's insurance as long as she's employed with Premera. Bad news is... well, I'm sure you can guess.
The letter hit me harder than I thought it would. Of course I knew I would live with this disorder for the entirety of my life. I knew that my particular case was especially severe. That my odds of making it to 30 are 20%. I know that if I don't take those 7 pills every day I will lose my mind, my entire grip on reality... and it is widely believed that if I have another breakdown I may not come back from it. I could be lost in the psychosis forever. I would lose Lily. I would lose my sense of self. I would lose Molly.
All of this I knew.
I also know that my case was severe enough to warrant me getting Social Security with my first attempt... despite the fact that most people are usually denied.
But...
To find out the disorder is still... at 26... so severe that a major insurance company agrees to cover you for twenty... thirty... or more years...
It was hard.
When I first found out about my disorder, I was relieved. We had a name to give to the ailments. A name meant we could treat it.
But the finality of what I have...
The fact that I may never work again...
That I may never offer more to Molly than what the state gives me...
It was too much.
I wanted to send Molly home. I told her she deserved better but... she told me to shut up. That she loved me. She supported me. She didn't care. She would never leave me.
God I love her...
But is she doomed to a life of mediocrity?
I'm resolved to work so that doesn't happen.
I will be a writer. Maybe my book was never meant to be one about superheroes... or war... or fictional characters. Maybe it's more personal. Maybe it's about a man who struggles to survive... struggles to find self worth... works to be a parent, a brother, a son, a husband...
Maybe it will be my story.
Being bipolar...
Not being able to work...
It's indescribable. I defined myself by my ability to work. I was the best. Perfect. Always at the highest echelon. Then the stress of being better... more perfect... all of that would set in. I'd crumble. I'd break.
I can't do that...
But... I can write...
It may not be next week. It may not be next month. But I will write my story...
Writing is my strength. And it is my sincerest hope that my story is worthy. That readers can connect. That it can invoke thought and emotions and discussion.
I have high hopes for the future.
I will provide for the woman who stands beside me.
I will provide for the daughter who brightens up my world.
I will give back to the government that has sustained me. To the world that has sheltered me. To the family that has had my back through it all.
I will prove my worth to my new family... and to myself.
Here's to the rest of my life.
