I've heard this expression before. It's an incredible one. I find a new meaning behind it everytime I recollect it.
Today it means... even if you're a boomerang kid... we go back to what feels safe and secure. Whether that's our mom's house... our dad's house... our best friend's house... our ex's... our old friends... we can always seek what's familiar if we need it.
It's not BAD to do this. It may be counter productive sometimes... but sometimes, that's what we need. To get back on our feet. To feel whole again. Because sometimes what it takes to be happy is what it takes to move on.
Me for example... I'm always reaching backwards. It's not bad, but it's not helpful all the time either.
And if you reach back for an ex and she doesn't feel the same well damn... you just hurt her feelings (if she cares about you still) and yours (if you care about her).
We have to take our feelings and use them productively, as we do with everything in life.
Of course if you feel I'm overstepping my boundaries, tell me. That being said, I speak in the "you need to do this!" type writing style when really I'm saying "Mike needs to do this!" I need to work on the disassociation for sure.
Used to drive my teachers crazy.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Journal Entry: Honesty is the best policy. Sometimes.
Scratch that... always.
If you can be honest, try to be. Where I'm concerned, I try to be honest at all times and I've suffered because of that simple fact. I'm not going to change anytime soon, but I've found the confidence to be able to honest and not be affected if someone doesn't agree.
I used to be a people pleaser... it was VASTLY important to me if someone felt the same as I did... and if they did, I had to try and CONVINCE them to think the same. This was immature but hell... so was I.
When I started to point out my foibles... my follies... and stopped letting it kill me... I was affected in a positive way. I saw these as guidances... lessons necessary for positive change. It may have affected me at my core, but not in a bad way. The important aspects of my life didn't change... just the way I reacted to them... the way I perceived them.
Life is infinitely more complicated than I've just described of course. For everyone, the life lessons are different.
But there's NOTHING wrong with that. The way we perceive any given event is important... because it's important to us. That's the ball game guys and gals. Game over man, game over.
I may say "A rolling stone gathers no moss" and find a deep realization that may be lost on my brother... but then he may find a DEEPER realization that pertains more to his life. Or hell, maybe he'll say "Rolling Stones! I love that band!"
Whatever we find, that's what we take. I used to take the worst and turned it into the worst. Now I take it all... and turn it into a learning experience. Into something that makes me happy. No matter the situation.
I'm different... but not in a bad way. Just in a different way.
Although I miss things, want things... I don't need things. I'd like things, sure. But life has taught me... if you need it, you'll be disappointed when you don't get it. If you like it, and you get it, well... it doesn't hurt as bad if it had gone the other way.
If you can be honest, try to be. Where I'm concerned, I try to be honest at all times and I've suffered because of that simple fact. I'm not going to change anytime soon, but I've found the confidence to be able to honest and not be affected if someone doesn't agree.
I used to be a people pleaser... it was VASTLY important to me if someone felt the same as I did... and if they did, I had to try and CONVINCE them to think the same. This was immature but hell... so was I.
When I started to point out my foibles... my follies... and stopped letting it kill me... I was affected in a positive way. I saw these as guidances... lessons necessary for positive change. It may have affected me at my core, but not in a bad way. The important aspects of my life didn't change... just the way I reacted to them... the way I perceived them.
Life is infinitely more complicated than I've just described of course. For everyone, the life lessons are different.
But there's NOTHING wrong with that. The way we perceive any given event is important... because it's important to us. That's the ball game guys and gals. Game over man, game over.
I may say "A rolling stone gathers no moss" and find a deep realization that may be lost on my brother... but then he may find a DEEPER realization that pertains more to his life. Or hell, maybe he'll say "Rolling Stones! I love that band!"
Whatever we find, that's what we take. I used to take the worst and turned it into the worst. Now I take it all... and turn it into a learning experience. Into something that makes me happy. No matter the situation.
I'm different... but not in a bad way. Just in a different way.
Although I miss things, want things... I don't need things. I'd like things, sure. But life has taught me... if you need it, you'll be disappointed when you don't get it. If you like it, and you get it, well... it doesn't hurt as bad if it had gone the other way.
Going backwards
I don't mean walking backwards (literal) or popping it in reverse (more literal).
We all do it (or have done it). I'm probably the guiltiest of this one simple act.
When I say going backwards I mean reaching back for what's familiar. Who we felt safe with. What feels like home to us.
Basically... what's comfortable.
I have reached back for every ex at one point in my life. Sometimes under the guise of friendship, sometimes literally FOR friendship. Sometimes to recreate the good times (blatantly ignoring the bad), sometimes to find that safe haven I once had.
Thing is... I'm an optimistic guy.
Perfect example... I live on SSDI. I used to beat myself up about it. "I'm 24 getting paid for doing nothing woe is me I'm so terrible blah blah blah." Thing is, I wanted to work but knew I couldn't handle it. Thinking that way made it so.
Now, with new meds, more confidence, more stability, less pessimism... I'm making positive changes.
The glass IS half full.
I have a great life, great friends, and a great family. I want for nothing.
Except for a Ferrari.
We all do it (or have done it). I'm probably the guiltiest of this one simple act.
When I say going backwards I mean reaching back for what's familiar. Who we felt safe with. What feels like home to us.
Basically... what's comfortable.
I have reached back for every ex at one point in my life. Sometimes under the guise of friendship, sometimes literally FOR friendship. Sometimes to recreate the good times (blatantly ignoring the bad), sometimes to find that safe haven I once had.
Thing is... I'm an optimistic guy.
Perfect example... I live on SSDI. I used to beat myself up about it. "I'm 24 getting paid for doing nothing woe is me I'm so terrible blah blah blah." Thing is, I wanted to work but knew I couldn't handle it. Thinking that way made it so.
Now, with new meds, more confidence, more stability, less pessimism... I'm making positive changes.
The glass IS half full.
I have a great life, great friends, and a great family. I want for nothing.
Except for a Ferrari.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Moving on
"You know there's moving on in theory... and then there's the moment when it actually happens"
A quote from Smallville (that I probably butchered, having not done adequate fact checking) that I find more true today than the first moment I heard it.
I am blessed... to have good friends, great family, and a little girl who I know will always be there for her old man. I'm single, and while this used to result in a tailspin of clinging to past relationships, an intense depression, and bargaining (one of the stages of grief, I'm told), I'm lucky to be grown up enough (or just well versed in the ultimate outcomes of these actions) to have come out relatively unscathed.
I must apologize... there are many people who have felt the backlash of said actions. I have attempted to write off EVERYONE at one point or another in my life, and this wasn't fair. You didn't have it coming, nor did you ever do anything to deserve it. I should have been man enough to deal with my shortcomings with more grace, and yet... I didn't. I did things to remain blameless (in my eyes) because being the bad guy was often more than I could take. I'm sorry. I was a little boy and while I'm still a long way from reaching adulthood (in many respects), I'm getting there. Day by day. Step by step. (I flipped those on purpose to avoid reminding people of that awful sitcom with Duffy and Sommers... which I just reminded you of. Dammit!).
It's going to take a while before I'm "back to neutral." I simply want to thank each and every friend who's been there... from each breakup to each new relationship, and every day in between. Thank you... I'll work harder from here on out to be a better friend, brother, and father.
MCK
A quote from Smallville (that I probably butchered, having not done adequate fact checking) that I find more true today than the first moment I heard it.
I am blessed... to have good friends, great family, and a little girl who I know will always be there for her old man. I'm single, and while this used to result in a tailspin of clinging to past relationships, an intense depression, and bargaining (one of the stages of grief, I'm told), I'm lucky to be grown up enough (or just well versed in the ultimate outcomes of these actions) to have come out relatively unscathed.
I must apologize... there are many people who have felt the backlash of said actions. I have attempted to write off EVERYONE at one point or another in my life, and this wasn't fair. You didn't have it coming, nor did you ever do anything to deserve it. I should have been man enough to deal with my shortcomings with more grace, and yet... I didn't. I did things to remain blameless (in my eyes) because being the bad guy was often more than I could take. I'm sorry. I was a little boy and while I'm still a long way from reaching adulthood (in many respects), I'm getting there. Day by day. Step by step. (I flipped those on purpose to avoid reminding people of that awful sitcom with Duffy and Sommers... which I just reminded you of. Dammit!).
It's going to take a while before I'm "back to neutral." I simply want to thank each and every friend who's been there... from each breakup to each new relationship, and every day in between. Thank you... I'll work harder from here on out to be a better friend, brother, and father.
MCK
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