I took a break from the blog at The Durden News Channel. With my disorder, I have unexplained lows. It kept me from posting anything new... and even WANTING to post anything new.
These lows are frustrating. My fiance had never experienced them with me until now. It's intense. I find myself unable to complete things... simple things... that I may have had a passion for. Everything and anything I find interesting loses its meaning to me. I'm left with an empty feeling.
The best description I've ever been able to come up with for these lows is that it's like being swallowed by darkness. A darkness where everything you see, everything you want to do falls away from you. Honestly it is sad to watch as the things you love to do in a day to day become things you don't even want to think about.
I've spent the last two years looking into my psyche... trying to find a pattern to stop these lows from coming about. Trying to curb them before they get worse. Trying to satiate my depression. Yet it always finds a way to take hold of me. The only thing I can do is hope that it won't last, that Sara can be patient while I work my way through it, and that I won't lose sight of what's important to me.
At these times, it's being a fiance, a father, a son, a friend... these simple titles are that which I give all of myself to. It carries me through. Until I see the light again.
There may be no rhyme or reason... to my life as it is now... to anything that I feel... but I'll keep going... until I find meaning... or until meaning finds me.
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