Reflection on recent events

My Dad sent me this the other day while I was at the vet.  It left me in a contemplative state.  It's a poem by Rudyard Kipling.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

All I can say is... I want to be that.  It will be more than I can achieve.  I think that's the point.  I'll strive to be better... but there is no "best."  You cannot reach complete perfection.  I doubt I'll ever be everything that the poem encapsulates.  Just trying will be enough for me. 

I have this horrible habit of taking things... poems, songs, books, discussions, events... and finding correlations to my life and my emotions.  It helps me connect.  It creates thought provoking ideas for myself.  It helps me desire to learn more.  To try and strive.  Even if it's a slow process.  I know that I won't give up until I get there.

I drew correlations to my life with this poem.  I saw one sentence as something I did do... another was something I wish I could do... or something I always wanted to do.  It is through the thought and discussions of others that I find the meaning and reasoning behind how I want to live my life. 

My mind is an... interesting part of my life.  Some days it's focused on what is  necessary to get through today.  Sometimes it's thinking ten years ahead.  Sometimes I'm looking inward and beating myself up for all my mistakes.  Sometimes I get too depressed to think, to feel, to find rationality or reason.  Sometimes I'm overly excited.  Sometimes... and this is usually the case... it's all of these in a single day.  Unfortunately... not very spaced apart.

Being bipolar... is something I have been trying to comprehend.  I've been wondering how long it's been influencing my life.  If it's something that started at a young age.  If something precipitated it.  If I was born this way.  I know what the studies say.  Genetics.  Still...

It's scary to think that... I can remember just how I felt... just what I was thinking... at those weakest moments of my life.  When I was first diagnosed.  I wasn't violent.  I wasn't a detriment to society.  I was just... lost.  In my own head.

Those moments are the scariest of my life.

It is why I'm cautious now.  Every step, every thought I take with utmost care so that a downward spiral doesn't occur.  I am still learning the warning signs.  Writing helps.

Writing helps me organize my thoughts.  Reflect.  It grants me the insight I need to progress.

I need to make a greater effort when it comes to writing.  I feel I have an untapped resource... and I want to fulfill whatever it could be that I can do with it.

Whether it's serious blogs like this... or satirical ones.  Or a mix of both.  I want to cause discussions.  I want to make people laugh.  Think.  Relate.  Then... go farther with something... or anything... or everything... than I ever could have taken it.

My greatest hope is that I can contribute something great to the world.  I hope my writing is that thing.