Honest reflection

I'm having a day unlike many I often face.  A day where everything makes sense.  My emotions are rational and relatively controllable.  It is something I'm not blessed with often.

I'm looking back on the mistakes of the past.  The problems at present.  The hopes for the future.  I don't see anything that scares me.  A rare occurrence indeed...

The thing is... the only thing that could scare me... is losing Sara.  Scarier still... I've never found myself holding onto something that I could lose so tightly. 

In the past I learned that coveting something... desiring it... relying on it... was foolish.  The more you need what you have... the more it hurts when it's ripped away.  I refused to believe anything could last forever.  I overrationalized every aspect of life, put humor into humorless situations... distancing myself from my feelings.  My needs.  My wants.

I built up a sort of wall... one to separate the truth from myself.  That way nothing could hurt me... no more than I could control.

It wasn't a perfect system.

Silence was my answer to all forms of dispute.   If I didn't say it, I couldn't regret it.  If I didn't say the immature, ridiculous thing, I wasn't the immature ridiculous one.  I was the good guy.  A title I sought fervently.

To this day, I still exhibit some of this key behaviors.  I still don't go in depth about how much Lily means to me and how much not seeing her hurts.  I can't laugh or smile sometimes when it would normally be a natural subconscious response.  I can't look into Sara's eyes or at her face for too long because if I lost her, I'd never get to look upon it again and the less I look and take it all in... the less I'll miss it.

It's on a day like today... of complete rationality... that I realize...

I'm losing everything.  Key moments.  Key feelings.

I love my daughter Lily.  Her personality is an amazing thing... so different from mine... yet there are these little things she does where I see myself.  It makes me proud everytime.  And yet it is in the ways she's different that I find the most solace.  It is hard to have her for six hours every two weeks... knowing I am missing huge moments... milestones... that I will never get back.  She will grow and learn in a way that I will have very little input on.  She will have questions that I may have answers for that I will never hear... let alone resolve for her.  I can only hope the future will be brighter... that I will get more time... and I will fight towards this endeavor... no matter what.

There is no solace in what's temporary.  We all need the things that can't be lost.  When we lose the things around us, we're left with an empty feeling... a feeling that can't be filled.  Because when  you lose something important... it can never be replaced.  Only honored.  Cherished.  Remembered.