World Mental Health Day

When I was 13, I never thought I'd see this day.

I was just a kid who didn't understand why sometimes, I'd get really sad.  Sometimes everything was perfect.  My family was in great spirits.  My friends were cheerful and energetic.

Everyone was happy... and I was sad.  And I didn't know why.

When I was 16, I never thought I'd see this day.

I was looking at an uncertain future.  What did I want to be?  Who did I want to be? And why did not having the answer overwhelm me?  Why did I even think everyone would be better off if I was... No.  I didn't really think that.  I couldn't.  Life wasn't that bad.

But I did think that.  And I did believe that.  And I didn't know why.

When I was 18, I never thought I'd see this day. 

I joined the military.  Basic training was stressful, but it wasn't insurmountable.  Yet... I knew that I couldn't do it.  I had found my first brick wall.  My first obstacle that no amount of resolve could help me overcome.  My mind was shattered. 

I thought... Can I just go home?  I asked and... No.  Everyone told me I couldn't leave.  I couldn't leave.  With this notion in my mind, all I could think was...

I want to die.  I truly want to die. 

This was my dream.  The career I wanted for a lifetime.  But I wanted to die.  And I didn't know why.

Year after year, I never thought I'd see the next day. 

Breakups and breakdowns, triumphs and tragedies... I kept going.

I'm a month away from 30.  I never thought I'd see this day.

I have attempted things I wish I hadn't.  I have burned bridges I have never been able to cross again.  I have seen pain, cried tears, risked it all, and fought to reclaim it all back.

Today is World Mental Health Day.  A day where we consider the stigma that makes so many feel alone.  A day where we think about all of the invisible illnesses around us, whether we suffer ourselves or know those who do.  A day where we remember those who may have lost the struggle to their illness... Leaving a painful memory behind instead of a loved one to remind that...

You are not alone.

But honestly?  I think the most important thing to remember on World Mental Health Day is...

The struggle and awareness cannot be limited to today.

The pain and loss?  Truly goes beyond October 10th.

I have my good days... and I have my bad ones.

But I suffer from my illness everyday. 

If you know someone who suffers, don't wait until October to reach out.

And if you suffer?  Make sure you reach out.  Your loved ones aren't mind readers (if only they were).  They may need you to say:

"Mom?  Dad?  I need help."

I can say this...

Sometimes when I was happy, my family asked if I was ok.  Sometimes when my family thought I was happy, I was a breath away from taking my last breath.

World Mental Health Day may only be 24 hours...

But those afflicted can lose the battle everyday.

Just remember... these feelings?  They pass.  These thoughts?  They fade.  And your struggle?

You aren't the only one.

You're not alone... and it gets better.