Carrie Fisher was an inimitable presence in countless lives. An actress, an icon, an author, a mother to an actress, a daughter to an actress, a humorist, an activist, and more... She was so many things to so many.

To me? She was an ally. The paragon I looked up to. The one I still do.

When I turned 21, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This is a disease that you will have for the rest of your life. I will suffer from this illness forever.

As you can imagine... This was hard to hear.

I remember feeling this dread wash over me. I stood there, looking at my doctor as he explained what it meant. He offered services, support groups, literature... But I wasn't there. My mind was considering two things.

1) I would always feel this way. There would be no peace.

2) It had a name. A name meant we could treat it.

So even though dread enveloped me... tears of joy followed. We had an answer.

Treatments were ahead of me. Breakdowns that shook the lives of my family and friends. Suicide attempts. Days of despair. Nights of hopelessness.

But it was there, at my weakest, that I found the heroine to my story.

In a simple statement. Innocuous at best... but everything to me.

"It's going to be ok. Did you know Carrie Fisher has bipolar disorder?"

Out of the darkness, a flicker of light. A flame. It was small... but it was there.

Hope...

Carrie Fisher. Princess Leia. No. She was perfect.  An accomplished thespian. Synonymous with Star Wars.

Could she have this and be all that she is?

The answer to that, as I would discover, was a resounding yes.

Here's what I want to do.

Donate.  Share.  Create your own fundraiser here or elsewhere.  Spread awareness.  Or just leave a positive message.

Carrie gave me hope.  I want nothing more than to do the same.

Click here to help in any way you can:

https://www.crowdrise.com/for-carrie-fisher-who-gave-us-hope

To Carrie

This was hard to read... But beautiful.

Every night I go to bed the same way.  I plug my phone in.  I start writing.  And I turn on Family Guy.

This is how I sleep every night.  Falling asleep to jokes. 

Tonight would be no different...

Until...

Angela started telling Peter about his promotion to forklift operator.

Now... I watched her old interviews today.  I saw picture after picture. 

But hearing her familiar voice and knowing... I'd never hear a new Angela joke...

My heart broke.

This was a woman I related to in a number of ways. 

She was the first person I knew as Princess.  Now my daughter is one.

She was a writer.  I do this with vigor everyday.

Her Family Guy jokes became like a dulcet tone to me each and every night.

But most of all...

We were both bipolar.

She was my secret heroine.  My confidential confidant.  The celebrity I thought of first when I thought this disorder would define me forever.

I didn't know her.  I know she was Leia Organa of Alderaan.  I know she wrote Wishful Drinking.  That she was a nun in Jay and Silent Bob.  The Editor at the Daily Planet (briefly).  I know nothing of her beyond the screen. 

But I will always feel a special connection to this remarkable woman who was, like she was to Obi-Wan, my only hope.

When Speaking Is Hard

This year is almost over and it has been exciting and tumultuous.  Not just in terms of the politics of our nation... but in my own life.

My perspectives, goals, dreams, and core have changed in a very profound way this year.  The biggest change? 

My voice.

I've loved writing since I was very young.  It was a dumb hobby back then.  For years I hated my creative stories... My poems... My songs... My little inspirational quotes... But I couldn't help but continue to write. 

I was very hypercritical of my work.  More often than not, I'd tear up stacks of my papers as they were so juvenile compared to the books on my shelves. 

Why should I keep this up when C.S. Lewis did it better?  Is my hackneyed attempt even readable compared to the works of Chaucer, Shakespeare, or Poe?  If my stories can never reach Rowling status... If my literature about utopias is nothing next to Rand, Orwell, or Collins... What is the point?

Despite this, I still wrote.

In my sadness... In the pain of never having faith that I'd ever write anything halfway decent... I let my voice mature and bleed onto the pages of notebooks.

Over time, my notebook turned into a computer.  From there, I found avenues to let my voice become bolder... louder.  I experimented with making my own comics.  Movies out of Powerpoint slides.  I met people in other countries in chat rooms.  This let me discuss and exchange ideas of all sorts from all cultures... Which just cultivated my writing skill even more.  I mean... You can't discuss Final Fantasy with a Romanian or coffee with a Canadian and not pick up fresh and wonderful perspectives.

It was in 9th grade where my English teacher showed an overwhelming level of support for my "work." 

"Work?"  It was not "work."  "Work" is something respectable.  You sweat, bleed, and give it your all.  At the end of the day, you go home satisfied knowing you did something.

I sat at a desk writing fan fictions about Rinoa and Squall... Military fictions inspired by my favorite Tom Clancy tales... Poems about love, truth, and justice...

That wasn't work.  I didn't deserve to call it that.

She insisted that I had a gift, so... I let her tell me that until I started to believe it too.

10th grade was a time of massive introspection for me.  I went the entire year single and read.  I was obsessed with philosophy.  Zen Buddhism gave way to a lifelong love of no-mindedness.  From here, I started practicing martial arts.  This led me to discover Jeet Kune Do.  The philosophy was wonderful and I adopted it into all aspects of my life.

"Take what is useful... Discard what is useless... Make it your own."

Suddenly every religious tome and Greek parable... Every lesson in books, films, or songs... I found my peace and guidance in all the world around me.

I was not limited to any one religion... I could find worth in them all.  I was not bound by one idea... I could believe several.

The best part?  By accepting the notion of more than one set of beliefs... I would never be bound to refuse the lessons of another.

I could do unto others as I would want done unto myself... But also believe in Karma.  I could see the folly of Icarus... Learn from it... Without dismissing it because it was from a polytheistic society.

To develop this sort of acceptance and understanding was humbling and enlightening.

In my last 3 years of high school, another teacher took a special interest in me.  Ms.  Luhn.  She was, in a huge way, the Mr. Feeny to my Cory Matthews.  If it wasn't for her, I would not have turned into the devoted writer I am today. 

In 2005, I graduated high school and joined the Air Force.  My goal?  Military Intelligence.

However, unforeseen and unavoidable things were happening within me... Things that I never could have anticipated.

Things that devastated my future and almost cost me my life.

It was there that I discovered...

Those sad feelings...

That critical voice in my mind...

Emotions that helped me convey prose and ideas...

They were an undiagnosed disorder.

I was Bipolar.

My dreams of serving in the military... Of one day joining the CIA... Dashed by a chemical and mental imbalance.

It crippled me.  Sometimes... it still does.

For years the depression was so intense, it almost cost me my life.  Suicidal thoughts gave way to attempts. 

Still I wrote.

I was disabled.  My disorder so severe, I could never work again.

Still... I wrote.

I tried to make relationships work, but the stress of my disorder cost me more than I'd care to admit.  Dates and relationships that ended prematurely.  I felt like nothing.  That only a job could define me as someone of worth.

Still...

I wrote. 

I wrote often.  I wrote passionately.  I wrote with feeling.  With conviction. 

My sense of humor was evident in parodies... In jokes.  My philosophical ideals were the theme in my stories.  My thoughts on beauty, truth, and love were in every poem.  I journaled.  I blogged.  I posted.  I created.

Then... I found my way to 2016.

I posted a joke.  A silly joke on a Facebook page.  "Adult Side of Tumblr."  It was nothing.  Just me being... me.

The next day... 100 likes.

Wait... 100 people liked it?

2 hours later... 400 more.

Was it really that funny?

Over the next few days, the words from people who saw my joke were so positive.  Support from those who laughed... Who shared... Who commented... It was an unreal feeling.

This was the year when something profound happened.

I started to believe in myself.

I write jokes now.  Op eds.  I make memes.  I spark debates.  I defend my ideas but I am open to other opinions. 

I am flourishing as a writer... Not because I didn't have support before this year... But because I was finally able to believe in myself.

To all those who laughed at my jokes... To those who have messaged me directly... To those who have stayed up debating politics with me...

I owe you a debt of gratitude I can never repay.  You helped me claim my life back.

I still struggle with my disorder...

I still judge my writings... My stories... My articles... My words...

But I no longer put quotations around these words:  My work.

This is my work. 

This is my work and I love it.

It's not easy.  In fact, although there has been an amazing amount of positive support... I have received a lot of negative attention too.

Threats... Insults... And worse.

At these times, it is hardest to stay positive. 

But then I remember my favorite book passages...

My favorite movie lines...

I remember the plot of a video game...

The lyric of a beloved song...

Or a quote (Ok... Tweet) of a celebrity I admire...

I smile.

And I keep writing.

The Electoral College

Alexander Hamilton (The Federalist Papers):

"the Constitution is designed to ensure “that the office of President will never fall to the lot of any man who is not in an eminent degree endowed with the requisite qualifications.” The point of the Electoral College is to preserve “the sense of the people,” while at the same time ensuring that a president is chosen “by men most capable of analyzing the qualities adapted to the station, and acting under circumstances favorable to deliberation, and to a judicious combination of all the reasons and inducements which were proper to govern their choice.”

Now... Before you tell me how the Electoral College REALLY works and why...

Please read about it.  It's not about demographics.  It really isn't.  That plays into it.  A tiny bit.  But ultimately?  Thats such a small part.

There are many facets to it.

Basically, the people decide for their state, but in the most vague sense of the word.  Because the country is, by the large, misrepresented.  Your vote matters slightly, and the state's votes matter slightly, and the country's votes matter slightly, but it's the electors of those states who make the final decision.

Now, it's interesting to note that these Electors?  They are not unbiased.  At all.  This is true of both sides, but when you really break down who these people are...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_presidential_electors,_2016

You see some SERIOUS problems.  Some of these people are not only strongly biased... They are deeply involved with the candidates running.  One, for example, worked on the Trump campaign.  Demonized Hillary during the campaign.  Oh, and he has a job lined up if Trump wins.

I wrote him a letter, but what could I say?

"Please give up your guaranteed job by voting your conscience?"

The problem isn't necessarily with the biases... Its that you can't appeal to those who have them.  If a man has something major to gain with a decision in his favor, 2.8 million other people aren't going to be able to sway your opinion.

Therein lies the problem.

When the majority are ignored and we allow judges who lack impartiality make our decisions, we end up misrepresented.

Interesting to note also?  The Electors have particular prerequisites that must be in place before they can be named.  Many?  Don't adhere to them.

The Electoral College was decided by our founding fathers as "training wheels" in a sense.  They decided that a brand new nation could not be completely entrusted with the results of popular vote.

(Interesting sidenote?  When this system was setup?  The popular vote and electoral college never disagreed.  It wasn't until 1824 that it did for the first time.  The vast majority of our Founding Fathers?  They never saw this eventuality come to pass).

We are the only country where the person running (in a Democratic election) isn't chosen by majority.

Your voices are considered, but they aren't represented.

In the end, those who have something to gain and lose make the call.

If you think that's a better system...

Consider one point.

The Electoral College and Popular Vote?  They tend to mesh.  Perfectly.  Its rare that they havent. 

So... If they so rarely disagree...

If we came to the same agreement without the Electoral College?

Why do we need it?

The Electoral College was set up to prevent the exact kind of leader we now have.

An unqualified, intemperate, and untrustworthy candidate.

Read the framework. 

The very reason our founding fathers created it was to avoid what we now have.

http://www.history.com/topics/electoral college

http://uselectionatlas.org/INFORMATION/INFORMATION/electcollege_history.php

http://history.house.gov/Institution/Electoral-College/Electoral-College/

We Gave Trump A Chance. We Don't Owe Him Another.

Going back on his promises?  He did this immediately.

At this point, its not just about him going back on all of his campaign promises faster than any other POTUS before him.

It's that all those of us who were Trump critics could not have fathomed just how bad his ascent into power would be.

I mean, really think about that.

We considered how horrible he could be.  We hypothesized about every single doomsday scenario.  How terrible his picks could be.  How he'd attack our rights.  We were so imaginative too.  Creatively guessing.  To the point of ridiculousness. 

We said things like "Oh, he'll be Putin's lapdog."  But did we truly think he would, overtly, prove to be?  No.  We thought it would be a in-the-shadows kind of thing.  It was more joke than an expectation.

But look at him go.  Not only exceeding our fears.  Compounding them.  Raising them exponentially.  Like the fission of the nuclear explosion we may face under his directives, it has grown more chaotic and terrifying than we could ever have guessed.

That was a tall order.  We expected the worst.  He outdid it. 

He proved that he could be worse than anything we could imagine.

We just have to pray the Electors who will cast their vote on the 19th make history and prove we aren't the kind of nation Trump thinks we are.

We aren't the Divided States of America.  A nation that allows hate.  A nation that can make a big deal about one person's mishandling of emails, but ignore a man who thinks our Intel community can't offer him intelligence he doesn't already know.  A nation that allows a literal assault on the press, those that disagree, and the 1st Amendment itself. 

Look at his cabinet picks.  He's unraveling Democracy at the seams.  He touted how he would Make America Great Again.  When were we great, then?  What year were we last great?  Which societal progresses, which advancements, which humanitarian missions and accomplishments do we need to undo to go backwards to this undetermined and unspecified moment of American perfection?

I have never seen this level of insanity reflected at any point in history.  This is unprecedented.  I have pored over every moment in American history.  Read the biographies of a dozen presidents.   I have read the Federalist papers.  I know the Preamble.  I know the rights we are afforded.  I know the founding fathers who were slave owners and those who knew better.  I know those who were Freemasons.  Those who wrote and signed the Declaration of Independence.  I know what they risked, why they risked it, and how.

I know that George Washington wasn't our first President.  I know why four Presidential terms are no longer allowed.  I know why we joined each war and why we thought it was the right call. 

I know about our progresses.  Our trespasses.  That we weren't always perfect.  Sometimes we were even downright terrible.  Sometimes we still are.  From internment camps less than a century ago to the injustices forced upon those protestors of DAPL.

I know that our greatest moments are not behind us, they are ahead of us.  Taking us backwards to fulfill Trump's ideologies will make us worse, not great again.

There is nothing to be learned in making the same mistakes from our past.  We changed for a reason.  Grew for a reason.  Now we're going back?  Halting progress?  Coming to a standstill?

The worst way to drain a swamp is to make the swamp stagnant.  That breeds disease.  Contamination.  It ruins the ecosystem.

He is the anomaly in our system.  The piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit.  He is domestic terror with terrifying international ties.

He has the potential to be the first American despot.  That is not hyperbole.

I pray.  I beseech to you.  To read any book or see any movie about dystopias. 

The parallels of novels presented by Rand and Orwell to the upcoming administration under Trump are staggering.

The most dangerous leaders aren't the ones who take control by force.  They're the ones we vote in on confidence, believing false promises, excusing every glaring admission of treachery, and thinking as our rights are stripped away that somehow... We still made the right decision.

This isn't Republicans versus Democrats.  It's not Trump versus Hillary.  We are so passed that now. 

This is Americans.  Just Americans.  Bipartisan politics should not divide us anymore.  This begs objectivity.  Empathy.  A deeper understanding beyond parties and elections and campaign promises.

If you were to only look at one thing... Look at the events from the election results to now.

Look at what Trump did.  What he's doing.

Leave Hillary and Bernie and all the rhetoric behind.

Look at current events.  Then ask.

Is this ok? 

Is any of this ok?

If a Democrat was so obviously filling his cabinet with people who are not only aligned against the Departments they were joining... But who actively wanted to undermine or dismantle them...

If a Democrat hired men and women who were either inexperienced, biased, or had outside business interests that he could curb in his/her own favor...

If a Democrat had unsettling ties to a country that hacked our nation, our government even, to get the candidate elected we now have...

Would this be acceptable to you?  As a Conservative, would you believe that this person would be a great leader of the free world?

If you can't say, with 100% certainty, that if Trump had run as a Democrat...you still would have voted for him, after saying and doing some of the most un-American things in our history...

Then ask yourself.  Is this about a great leader... Or about the representative of your party.

Because he doesn't represent the party of the ticket he ran under.

We stand on a precipice.  We are facing an uncertain certainty of something worse.

We have little time left to rectify... to undo our mistakes.  To undo an electoral decision that will impact our country negatively.

That is assured.

Progress is made by Making America Greater.  Not in Making America Great Again.

Russian Hack and Trumpian Logic

How much proof do you need?  Jesus.  Thank God facts arent validated at your discretion.  Thank God facts are facts regardless of your personal opinions.

If all the evidence points to one truth... Trump calling it false isn't enough to discount it.

You claiming superiority over all those who choose a different path of reasoning?  Unbecoming and immature.

Trump admitted to communication with Putin during the election.  He stood on a stage and basically dared Russia to go after our nation.  Then ties he swore werent there between his interests and Russia's came out.  Now this.

Trumps entire campaign was telling the world that no matter what 99 people would say and 99 people could prove, his word without proof MUST be accepted as fact.

And this was the evidence his supporters touted and quoted as fact.  Nothing else.  He wouldn't just refuse to supply evidence.  He would excuse why he couldn't.

Could you imagine if our justice system worked with the same logic as our President-elect?

Prosecutor:  "Your honor, we have 99 witnesses that put the defendant at the scene of the crime.  We have video footage of him.  We have an audio file of him saying "Im going to kill him."  The bullet matches the gun we found next to his clothes in the victims blood.  Sir, he is obviously guilty."

Defendant:  "I didnt do it."

Judge:  "Oh really?  Whew.  Ok, he didnt do it."

Prosecutor:  "Your Honor!"

Judge:  "Case dismissed."

Accept the truth, even if it disagrees with your side.  Your perspective.  Your opinion.

Quoting Trump isn't enough to discredit a smoking gun.

Did Russia hack?  Yeah.  They did.  And our Intel community is incredibly adept at gleaning the motivation and intent.

Look at the evidence before you decide its irrelevance.

Your voice and the voice of one voter base isn't enough to dismiss what's actual.

Confederate Flag Debate

The Confederate flag debate.

Let's talk about the Confederate flag. 

First, it was created when the South decided the President of America wasn't their President (an argument liberals can't use about Trump, apparently but I digress).  So what did they do?  They seceded.  Now, the South looks awfully bad here.  They left America which is interesting for a group of states so patriotic.  Deciding to leave America is pretty un-American.  Creating an entirely new flag to attack the President and your country under?  That's even more un-American.  Attacking America?  That's not just un-American.  That's bordering on terrorism. A controversial view, I agree.  But what is terrorism on America?  Attacking America.  And what did the South do? 

The thing is, the reasons for secession were god awful.  All of them.  And the atrocities committed under the Confederate flag?  You killed your neighbors.  Your friends.  Your family.  This is what happened. 

If you want to fly it and call it Southern pride?  That's fine.  But know that it wasn't created to represent Southern pride in America.  It was created to represent Southern pride outside of it.

As for the whole... taking the symbol of American bloodshed and defensive banner for a pro-slavery Confederacy... and saying "It doesn't mean that anymore!  It's ONLY Southern pride now!"

Alright.  Let's explore that.

If I started flying a Nazi flag in my front yard, and I called it German pride and only German pride... Would I be right?

I mean, I could say anything I want.  I could say I don't look at it and see the lives lost under it.  The war.  The genocide.  I could say that despite why it was created, and what it means to everyone else, it just means German pride. 

"It's not 1945 anymore.  What it stood for isn't what it stands for now."

Symbology changes.  But when you use the exact symbol on the exact tapestry in the exact way?

That symbol didn't change.  No changes were made. 

The only that changed is what you call it.

Change isn't bad.  Pride isn't bad.  Pride for state, your country, and even your PART of the country isn't bad.

But having the arrogance to tell the rest of the world how to be and how to feel?  That is bad.  Telling us what's un-American while defending un-American ideals and symbols?  That's crazy.

Thing is... We aren't showing up in mass to take away your flag.  Fly it.  Whatever man.  Live and let live.

But we don't do it because we agree with you.  We do it because you're afforded the right to.

You may die to defend the American rights you agree with.

We'll die to defend the American rights we don't.

Hypocrisy or Political Bias? My Thoughts

If Obama did what Trump is doing, I'd call him out on it.  We all would.

It's not about bias or party affiliation.  It begins and ends with morality.

Trump has none.

If a Democratic candidate was the vessel of his rhetoric, Conservatives would be the appalled and disgusted ones.

So maybe it's less about bias and more about your blind devotion to a party he's not even an actual representative of?

Consider this.

He drove real diehard lifelong Conservatives from the party in droves.

All parties banded together against him.  Democrats, 3rd Parties, and yes... Real Republicans.  They spoke out against him.  Just him.  The man, not the party.

Countries the world over were terrified.  They ARE terrified.

To claim this is about a bias, us rallying against him because... what, we voted Hillary?  Stein?  Johnson?

That's a distasteful misrepresentation of our grievances and if you actually believe your claim?  You are doing yourself a disservice.

Attempt some objectivity.

If Trump was a Democrat doing these things?

The entire world would be liberal bashing, turning Conservative, and vehemently protesting against his platform.

So stop making it about bipartisanship.

Its about the man.