Charity vs Guilt, opinions and morning musings

The ultimate in wants vs needs...

Does anyone need a Superman jacket?  No.  I envy my Uncle Tom for his but...

If I was a minimalist or a Buddhist...

Do I really need... Stuff?

I like stuff.  It distracts. It makes life easier.  It inspires.  But I feel for a long time I put too much importance on stuff.

The #firstworldproblems always bothered me.  I get the juxtaposition of the fact... And the humor... And I'm a man who loves humor.

But the reason it bothered me was... Why complain "OMG my Starbucks coffee is cold.  #firstworldproblems". To me I see the joke, the oh she's selfish but maybe not really attitude.

I'm not saying I'm not selfish.  Far from it.  God, my life has been 28 years of laziness, fear, and unwarranted pride.

But I want and crave change.  If I step on toes, I'll apologize.  If I come across know it all or pretentious, humble me.  But...

I can't be afraid to speak my mind anymore...

Even if it hurts, or people disagree, or feel indignation or hell... Even nothing at all...

I'm me.  A 28 year old father, son, brother, and friend.  I have my faults but... I have a lot of endearing qualities too.  

If you spend your life trying to please the whole world except yourself, there's no guarantee the world will even accept your brand of empathic understanding.  And you might end up miserable... Sacrificing your heart, soul, mind, and emotional happiness for those you love.

So back to Miss Coffee...

You're right.  It is a first world problem.  Maybe instead of acknowledging it or feeling guilty, Google ways to help out third world countries.

You can do so much with so little to help... And make so much difference.  You don't have to join Red Cross or Grean Peace.  You don't have to go broke writing a check out of guilt.

Give what you can, when you can.

A lesson, a quote that has always inspired me.

And if you think I am just one person... Does my contribution matter?  It's just a dollar... They don't need me....

You'd be surprised what a dollar can do.

Also next time you feel like one man playing apathy can't change a thing...

A writers greatest fear

I'm speaking as objectively as I can here so please, bear with me *smiles*

A writers biggest fear is a simple one, easy to understand but...

... Well, one must cross a minefield of chaos to reach said revelation.

So without further ado...

The biggest fear of a writer is to have his voice go unheard.

Let me explain...

We may look at writers and think they do it for any number of reasons.  Notoriety, fame, and to influence others has been prevalent.  But the writers I admire, the truly successful ones in heart and soul, are the ones who write to fuel a burning passion.  To hone a craft.  To... Well... Get their voices heard.

There are no good or bad writers, at least not in the way that what they have finished is a simple product.  A form of its own.  You can call it art.  I like to call it my thoughts.  My hobby.  My drive.

I don't want to go unheard anymore.  Even if the thought of putting myself out there terrifies me... I want to write my story.  Any story.  

Even if no one reads it... Even if the book is lost to ashes centuries from now.

My story has to be told.  For my sake and because... I truly believe it's why I'm here.

I know this blog wasn't particularly funny guys... I'll make it up to you.  I promise.

And for A.J....

I'm not afraid anymore.  I'll see you this weekend.  You owe me a lunch. ;)

I am truly blessed to write this entry.

If you found your way here, I know what brought you.

You've noticed the changes.  The telltale signs.

Funny thing is... I know now that I have more friends than I ever thought I did.



I've been fighting an invisible disorder for seven years.  It has been the most horrifying experience of my life.  I won't go into detail, for two reasons.  It would cause me to go off on a tangent and I can't do that right now.  I have too much to say.  The second reason is, this link takes you to a hub of sorts for "secret" writing I've been doing for years.  If you want to read depressing, scary, random thoughts... a truly open window into my psyche, mind, and soul... you can.

But that's not what this is for.

This is for the people who care about me.

I wasn't smart about how I approached this disorder.  I was stubborn and proud and for lack of a better term, weak.  That's why everything that has happened these last seven years, happened. 

God truly has a plan for us all.  I really believe that.

It all led up to this point, on this day, at this time.  So I could write this. 

With a smile on my face and tears in my eyes.

I don't know when I will post this blog.  I want to reread it and make sure it's perfect.

Yes, nothing is ever perfect.

But wanting to achieve perfection is my biggest strength and weakness.  I'll never reach it... and I'm not supposed to.

Look at that.  A tangent.  Was hoping to avoid doing that... lol




 I started going through a bipolar high.  Luckily, the full force came out and banded together.  My Dad, my Mom, my siblings, my friends.... they were there.

I knew it was my fault.  I was being to prideful to admit that I was having trouble sleeping and eating... feeling temperatures weird... all the tell tale signs I've learned are triggers these last 7 years.

I was slow to act.  But luckily... not too slow.




I'm taking sleep meds now, and anyone who knows me knows I hate them... lol... but at this point I don't care.  If I need to go to the hospital and spend six months in patient... I'll do it.  Whatever it takes.  Because....



I've finally learned...

It's not a weakness.

It's not a weakness to admit you're in trouble.  To admit you need help.  To wear your heart on your sleeve.  To be yourself. 

I'm stronger than I ever realized...

I just screwed up a lot.


Elyse, you have been amazing throughout this entire battle.  I haven't praised you through it all to your face, but rest assured (and you can ask anyone this) I have always admired how great you are with our daughter.  Thank you.  I know you love her and want her happiness, no matter what.



I'm a new man.  And... I'm terrified.  I am.  But I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life.

Thank you... to everyone for responding so fast, for being there, for being a friend, even when I burned bridges, even when I stubbornly fought you every single step of the way.

Thank you for never giving up on me.



Now I'm gonna shut off my phone for the day, because although I am taking sleeping pills now the high was intense enough that it didn't make a big enough dent.  I'm hoping going off the grid so to speak will help me calm down enough to finally get a full 8 hours.

I love you guys.  God, I can't express how blessed I am.

I'm excited for the next chapter.  I'll see you guys there.

-Michael Kelly