Depression without rhyme or reason

I took a break from the blog at The Durden News Channel.  With my disorder, I have unexplained lows.  It kept me from posting anything new... and even WANTING to post anything new.

These lows are frustrating.  My fiance had never experienced them with me until now.  It's intense.  I find myself unable to complete things... simple things... that I may have had a passion for.  Everything and anything I find interesting loses its meaning to me.  I'm left with an empty feeling. 

The best description I've ever been able to come up with for these lows is that it's like being swallowed by darkness.  A darkness where everything you see, everything you want to do falls away from you.  Honestly it is sad to watch as the things you love to do in a day to day become things you don't even want to think about.

I've spent the last two years looking into my psyche... trying to find a pattern to stop these lows from coming about.  Trying to curb them before they get worse.  Trying to satiate my depression.  Yet it always finds a way to take hold of me.  The only thing I can do is hope that it won't last, that Sara can be patient while I work my way through it, and that I won't lose sight of what's important to me.

At these times, it's being a fiance, a father, a son, a friend... these simple titles are that which I give all of myself to.  It carries me through.  Until I see the light again.

There may be no rhyme or reason... to my life as it is now... to anything that I feel... but I'll keep going... until I find meaning... or until meaning finds me.

My calling

Starting this blog has given me a hard look into who I am.  I am, at my core, a writer.  I enjoy it.  I feel like I'm good at it.  I like conveying my ideas and emotions through text. 

I've started a few other blogs.  One was just a collection of older blogs... while another was my take on current events.  Still a third was simple reviews over movies and books I've seen or read recently.  Someday I'd like to start a fourth of just... jokes.  Humorous things I've made.  Whether they are videos, comics, photoshopped pictures, whatever... I'd like to do that next.

These kinds of things:

and this:

I spoke to my friend Chad.  The Phantom apparently was never there.  The photographer must have been drunk and his hallucination must have made it's way onto the film.

As soon as one blog finishes, another sprouts up. It's like the Hydra of cyberspace.

I finished the new blog about old thoughts.  I have a list of blogs in the right side of each blog leading to the other blogs.  Thoughts of Yesterday was pretty much a collection of my Myspace blogs.  I wanted to have my thoughts there for Lily if she ever wanted to read them. 

With that finished...I have been kicking an idea around for a while about commenting on the news... entertainment, politics, etc.  And thus The Durden News Channel was born.

It will be serious sometimes, funny others... but ultimately I'll try to follow a set course of reasoning instead of things like political parties or religious affiliations as a basis for my opinions.  I don't expect everyone to agree with my opinions.  On the contrary.  I want to hear many different viewpoints. 

Oh and...

First rule about The Durden News Channel is... don't talk about The Durden News Channel.

The Durden News Channel

One more blog:  Let's Review.  So far it's just book and movie reviews.  Two up there so far. 

Yeah, a lot of blogs.  Still trying to find my niche as a writer.  I figure the more mediums I tackle, the faster I'll find my calling.

New Blog about Old Thoughts

Hey figured before I send my Myspace account to the cyber graveyard I'd at least retain the thoughts, shortsighted as they may have been, of earlier days.  Link below

http://www.olderintrospectionsoutloud.blogspot.com/

Hey figured before I send my Myspace account to the cyber graveyard I'd at least retain the thoughts, shortsighted as they may have been, of earlier days.  Link above.

Reflection on recent events

My Dad sent me this the other day while I was at the vet.  It left me in a contemplative state.  It's a poem by Rudyard Kipling.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

All I can say is... I want to be that.  It will be more than I can achieve.  I think that's the point.  I'll strive to be better... but there is no "best."  You cannot reach complete perfection.  I doubt I'll ever be everything that the poem encapsulates.  Just trying will be enough for me. 

I have this horrible habit of taking things... poems, songs, books, discussions, events... and finding correlations to my life and my emotions.  It helps me connect.  It creates thought provoking ideas for myself.  It helps me desire to learn more.  To try and strive.  Even if it's a slow process.  I know that I won't give up until I get there.

I drew correlations to my life with this poem.  I saw one sentence as something I did do... another was something I wish I could do... or something I always wanted to do.  It is through the thought and discussions of others that I find the meaning and reasoning behind how I want to live my life. 

My mind is an... interesting part of my life.  Some days it's focused on what is  necessary to get through today.  Sometimes it's thinking ten years ahead.  Sometimes I'm looking inward and beating myself up for all my mistakes.  Sometimes I get too depressed to think, to feel, to find rationality or reason.  Sometimes I'm overly excited.  Sometimes... and this is usually the case... it's all of these in a single day.  Unfortunately... not very spaced apart.

Being bipolar... is something I have been trying to comprehend.  I've been wondering how long it's been influencing my life.  If it's something that started at a young age.  If something precipitated it.  If I was born this way.  I know what the studies say.  Genetics.  Still...

It's scary to think that... I can remember just how I felt... just what I was thinking... at those weakest moments of my life.  When I was first diagnosed.  I wasn't violent.  I wasn't a detriment to society.  I was just... lost.  In my own head.

Those moments are the scariest of my life.

It is why I'm cautious now.  Every step, every thought I take with utmost care so that a downward spiral doesn't occur.  I am still learning the warning signs.  Writing helps.

Writing helps me organize my thoughts.  Reflect.  It grants me the insight I need to progress.

I need to make a greater effort when it comes to writing.  I feel I have an untapped resource... and I want to fulfill whatever it could be that I can do with it.

Whether it's serious blogs like this... or satirical ones.  Or a mix of both.  I want to cause discussions.  I want to make people laugh.  Think.  Relate.  Then... go farther with something... or anything... or everything... than I ever could have taken it.

My greatest hope is that I can contribute something great to the world.  I hope my writing is that thing.

Giffords and Loughner

First of all I want to say that I hope Gabrielle Giffords makes a swift and complete recovery.  Secondly, my thoughts go out to those victims and their families.  This was a horrible tragedy.  As with most tragedies... there is no excuse.  There is no reason.  There can't be.

 I woke up to do something I hadn't done in a while which was check Yahoo News.  Something about the Top 10 search caught my eye... Sarah Palin.  With her possibility at running next election and my vehement opposition to the idea, I couldn't help but see what was generating the recent buzz.

I didn't know about the shooting.  I hadn't heard a thing about what happened on Saturday.

I read through news stories online while CNN played in the background.  I haven't heard everything.  I know Loughner is in court today for his first appearance.  I know Giffords is in the hospital and in critical condition.  I've heard testimony from gun rights activists, locals (including a teacher that witnessed warning signs in Loughner), and politicians.

At this point... I'm wondering what the motivation could be.  I've heard he has some strong views when it comes to his rights... to the Constitution.  What was he trying to accomplish?  Was there a message?

The big question though is... why?

Why does anyone think violent displays will provide support for your agenda?  Why does anyone think that the loss of innocent life will create followers?

Maybe there was no message.  I'm not sure what would scare me more... that a person can have a ridiculously horrific agenda premeditated by warped political views... or that a person is just violent to be violent, no rhyme or reason.

Yet, there is no reason for any of this.

Events like this... they honestly scare me.  That one person can cause something like this to happen.

I know that our justice system will prevail... that the man responsible will be sentenced for his crimes.  This knowledge doesn't bring me peace of mind.

When these things happen, retribution isn't what I seek.  I just want these tragedies to stop.  I want to know that this could never happen again.  To our families.  To our friends.  To our nation.  To our world.

There is one thing I wanted to talk about, albeit briefly.

Sarah Palin had a map of congress members with crosshairs over them on her website and on Facebook.  Giffords was one of them.  Whether there's a connection to what happened... whether this was the reasoning behind Loughner's assault... that isn't really what matters.  I'm not saying Palin did this.  I'm not saying this is what she wanted.  I'm not saying she endorses Loughner or the actions of like minded individuals.

All I'm saying is... what would possess a person to use the things related to guns in such a light manner as to PUT A FUCKING CROSSHAIR over ANYONE!?  Look, when I was a child I got a lecture over pointing my fake cap gun at family members.  Weapons are serious.  Their use is a thing that should be a mindful experience, with safety first.  You are holding an instrument of death.

You just... can't joke about putting a gun sight over someone.  Even if this had never happened.  Even if Loughner had never done this.

Listen, I'm a republican.  I support gun rights.  I think we deserve to be armed, and should have that right if we so desire.  Putting too many regulations on guns isn't the answer, in my eyes.  There's a bigger issue here.  The individual is more of a problem than the instrument.  Yes, if he couldn't have acquired a gun he may not have done what he did.  Or he could have made a bomb and caused even more destruction.  I can't blame the gun in every instance of gun violence.  I can always blame the individual.

That being said, Sarah.  Look.  Stop.  You're not intelligent enough to run this country.  You're not capable of dealing with the intricacies of the job.  The necessities.  I don't want to trust the next four years to someone who jokes about guns... who puts her family on television to garner "possible" presidential support... whose daughter is in more celebrity news articles than celebrities.  She is the epitome of everything crazy and ridiculous, in my eyes, that the last decade has been.  The reality show was the nail in the coffin for me.  The map... these recent events... I think it was the dirt that covered the coffin.

I don't think Palin wanted this.  What American would?  However... I just pray that we don't see this woman in political office.

Again... I hope Giffords makes a speedy recovery.   I hope Palin doesn't do or say anything stupid in response to any of this.  I just want the events revolving around this to resolve with the man behind bars.