Combating depression

I feel like a clock.

Let me expand on that.

A clock has many parts.  Cogs, wheels, screws, hands, etc.  These things must work in perfect harmony to complete it's definitive use... that is, telling time.  If one of these small pieces falters or breaks... the clock can't keep perfect time.  The clock may not feel useless at this point, but for all intents and purposes... it is useless. 

When I get depressed, I lose meaning.  My objectives fall by the wayside... my to do list becomes a to do later list.  Procrastination, apathy, and negativity become my crutches... my excuses.  I lose all that made me a complete version of myself.

That last sentence may seem confusing.  But I assure you... that is the perfect description of how I feel.  I feel incomplete.  I feel... a complete and utter lack of drive.  I feel... far from perfect.

When I'm neutral or high... I am constantly looking to attain perfection (though I keep in mind it's a never ending quest as perfection is an impossible goal).  When I'm low... I just want to survive.  Day by day... I just want to see the sun rise one more time... I want to see my friends laugh... and I want to watch the clock tick...

I want to witness these certainties. 

Because when I lose the drive to see certainties... that's when I find myself in trouble.

I need to want things.  I need to have those things that can't falter... those things that can't break.

I'm a clock... and I'm constantly breaking... finding myself in desperate need of repairs by technicians who have always handled me. 

I have so many cogs and other small moving parts that one thing can set the whole mess out of whack. 

So now...

I need to find the instances that will make me smile once more.  Make me laugh, make me chuckle, make me whole.

I need optimism.  I need patience.  I need understanding.

I need a strong foundation.

I need to be... whole.

I will search for all that it takes to be complete again.