Who Am I Without Her?

That is a hard question to face.

When I was with Sara, I was happy.  I was confident in our relationship.  Everything we had and everything we struggled to obtain.  Nothing could drag me down too much because well... I had her.  She was my rock.  I had everything in her.

Now I've lost her.  I've been struggling not to face this... in fact, I've done an admirable job just ignoring it as I do with everything that hurts.  This is and has always been a terrible way to deal with stress and let downs.  Eventually it does catch up and it sends me spiraling into a low.  Unfortunately, I don't know another way to live my life.

The past couple days I've been spiraling.  I reach out for familiarity... for what IS certain to avoid facing what ISN'T.

With Sara I knew that I'd wake up, she'd be there.  If something crummy happened, she'd be there to listen... to guide me into tomorrow.  She'd be patient enough to wait until I COULD come to her.  I have never met such a strong individual.

That's why our end is so confusing to me.  She could stick it out through so much... but when I truly needed her... when I was at my weakest... when I was the most scared... she left.  I still haven't seen her in person since things ended. 

I don't understand why.  All I'm left with is this... empty, hollow feeling.  Like I don't matter.  Like I never will.

I am... done with relationships.  I'll never meet someone who can face the lows... the highs... and whatever else.  I told Sara... on a number of occasions... "This is what I'll say.  This is what I'll do.  Can you stick it out?"  She told me nothing could change how much she loved me.

How can I be left with anything but hopelessness?  She was the strongest woman I ever dated... and even she left me.

Love... true love... what the hell is that?  It exists so long as it doesn't inconvenience?  It can be there as long as things NEVER get hard?

News flash.  Love isn't easy.  It's hard.  You have to work at it.  Day in... day out... 24/7.  It doesn't stop because someone gets sick... or becomes destitute.  It sticks it out through disorders, losses, gains, and everything else.  It doesn't give up during times of crisis.  It stays strong.  It remains patient.  It NEVER gives up.

So... "true love"... that thing I've always held onto... always wanted to believe in... I concede.  If you're out there, you're definitely not out there for me.

I'll find my own way without you.  I can get by on my own.  Somehow... someway.

For those of you who have found true love... a love you can't give up on... a love that will always be there... congratulations.  I may not believe in love where I'm concerned... but that doesn't mean I won't believe in it where it does exist.

I hope to find a way to redefine who I am... where I want to be.  I just need to find my own way.