A Day of Reflection

It's depressing...

Thinking about my failures, my assertions that aren't based on facts, and the idea that what I want can't and won't happen.

I'm a stubborn mess.

When what I want becomes a "never gonna happen" occurrence... I lack the faith and strength to rise above it.

Yet I do it.

I plug in my headphones... I listen to some music... I write.

It helps me stay neutral.

It helps me combat the embarrassment my disorder is.

It helps me stay... happy.

I need to stay happy no matter what's going on in my life.  If I lose track of my strengths, I fall victim to an uncertain future.

I need to build a future, not fix a past.

I'll fight towards a better tomorrow.

Always.

Good song, good pirate

A Book I'm Working On... Rough Draft!

First let me preface this entry with one thing...

I'm not a doctor.  I'm just a guy who has this disorder.  I've had it since I was 21 (diagnosed anyways) when I first showed my high (a state of mind where you believe illogical things, can't sleep, etc).

That being said, if you believe you have these symptoms, please contact a health professional immediately.

Story below:

Bipolar Disorder

One Man’s Journey Through the Trenches

By Michael Kelly

It’s hard to explain how I got to this point.  I remember the beginning of my story, but the pieces are fragmented… like water seeping from a paper cup.

There have been many things that led me to the man I am today. 

My family… my friends… and one person in particular.

My daughter.

Through her eyes, through her actions… I’ve seen that the last thing I’d want is to see her follow in my footsteps.

It kept me from suicide.  It kept me on my meds.  It kept me healthy… strong… capable… and today, it’s the reason I’m writing this book.

I love everyone that’s played a role in making me the man I am today… but in the end, I owe Lily my life.

This book is for you sweetheart.

Love,

Dad

Chapter 1

Realizing You Have The Disorder

There are many ways to recognize this disorder, but in the end only a doctor can diagnose it.  This may be a difficult truth to face as in my case, I liked to do everything by myself.  I had to put my trust into the hands of a stranger, and I hated that idea.

My family was behind me through it all.  Their strength and wisdom pushed me into door of the doctor for the first time.

Don’t ever forget… family is family… and they will be there… through the good times and the bad.

Chapter2

The Importance of Meds

I can’t stress this enough… some of us have deficiencies and medication is an important/vital/mandatory part of dealing with the many stressors that come with being Bipolar.

Chapter 3

What Makes YOU An Authority?

Life experience… I’ve been Bipolar for four years and thanks to the SSDI I receive, my family being close, and all the time spent with my daughter… I was lucky to realize what I stood to lose… as well as what I wanted out of life.

What do I want?

To write.  To educate.  To be the voice I’ve always felt I needed to be.

I want to help people in my situation so that the worst doesn’t happen…

Chapter 4

Dedication Page

I dedicate this book to my doctors, my friends, my family, and everyone else who helped me reach this point of englightenment.  Thank you for everything you guys… if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. 

Chapter 5

Keeping Your Thoughts Organized

You may find yourself on a low finding apathy as a crutch.  Do whatever you need to get back to neutral.  You are no good to your family if you’re too low…

…and the same goes for being too high.

A high may feel great.  You feel driven… accomplished… you feel you can take on the world.

The problem isn’t what you wish to attain during a high.  The problem lies in how dangerous you are, to yourself and others, while in one.

I don’t mean to say “You’re gonna hurt people!”

Not physically anyways.

It’s up to a doctor to help you with your new diagnosis.  He’ll make the decisions necessary to get you to a neutral state.  Trust him… he’s there for one reason and one reason only…

He’s there for you.

Chapter 6

How To Cope If You Are On The Wrong Meds

This is a decision the people closest to you will need to make, at least in the beginning. 

It won’t take you long to realize… wait a minute… I’m too high… I’m too low… I’m too sensitive… I’m too hot… too cold… blah blah blah.

The first thing you need to do is get to a hospital and tell your doctor.  He’ll help guide you into a better med regiment.

Pretty soon with his help, your input, and your family’s knowledge (something that grows with yours), you will find the right combination.

I can’t impart the importance of trust enough.

Focus, interact, and find your own way.

M.C.K. 12.27.2011

Joking

A joke can seem harmless to the insensitive, but for those of you like me (ultra sensitive, bipolar, blah blah blah) a joke can hurt.

It's hard to stay strong in the light of pain. 

I put myself out there... try to shoulder all the burden I can... to make life easier for the people around me.

But I'm realizing that I can't do it all on my own.

My lone wolf syndrome is dissipating into something new.  Exciting... scary... and new.

I know it's hard when I talk like this to follow me... I don't need for you guys to be forced into understanding... I write to put my thoughts in order because so often, my thoughts are disorganized.

I have a goal for myself... in five years I know where I want to be....

Wish me luck.

A Merry Xmas

As I get older, wiser, and more neutral, I see things more clearly.

Sleep helps too.

I am finding that each weakness I have is a key to understanding who I am... why I'm here... and everything in between.

Each weakness is great because... well, each weakness is also my greatest strength.

A wise man once told me... make your greatness a weakness and a weakness a strength and you will be fine. 

I'm indebted to my family, my friends, my love, and myself. 

Thank you everyone.

Happy Holidays everyone and a Happy New Year.

-M.C.K. 12/26/11

4 in the morning

It's 4:16... tired but not too bad.  I slept hard.

It feels good to be reaching a point of neutrality.  I was nervous that I was going to break again, but so far the meds are working, I'm doing something I love, and my family (my support system) and friends are behind me as I embark on something I'm truly blessed to do.

I'm going to be a writer.

Being able to say those words out loud and mean them is... indescribable.

I didn't know I'd make it this far... from lows to highs, highs to lows, and every emotion in between.

I'm a lucky guy.

Time to head back to bed.  If I don't get a nap in now, I know I won't get one at all.

-M.C.K.

Superman: The Video Game

I've just started writing something I'm really excited about.

Fans of Superman mythology are bummed about one thing...

There hasn't been a video game that has everything the fans want.

I think I've covered the finer points, but if you're a fan, please comment below.

Let's work together to make a game that every fan will love.

-M.C.K.

Creating New Triggers

A two post kind of day.

I found that with my disorder, I could find and create new triggers.

Let me explain...

With bipolar disorder, there's this thing I've always called "triggers."  A trigger is basically... an event or really, well... anything... that causes a bipolar individual to either go high or low.

I have more than a few.

Love is one of mine.  Video games is another.  Superman, music, philosophy, tv shows, and more... each of these have a profound effect on my mood and disposition.

I write this because...

... my friends may not always understand me.  They may not understand why I connect Point A to Point C while they're connecting Path's A and B. 

To be honest, I don't know why I do it either.

If I was to guess, I'd say it's due to my upbringing.  I had a tumultuous childhood.  That's not to say it wasn't a happy time... it's just... I spent a lot of time alone and depressed as a child. 

It took me 25 years to realize... I was never really alone.  I just thought I was.

Today... when I look back... I see the man I was and the man I've become... and I'm happy.

Happiness is my goal... it always has been.  I may suck at attaining it, but I'm taking the steps necessary in my life to make sure I never lose this feeling...

This feeling of...

Accomplishment.

Pride.

Self Respect.

And more.

I'm happy.  I really am.  I may miss those I don't/cant see anymore, but you have never, ever left my heart.

This may be cheesy but... I love you guys.  You have all, knowingly or not, played a part in the man I am today.

Whether you want to take credit for that or not :P

A Day of Affirmation

Sometimes we are forced to make choices.

These choices can ripple out, like when you dip your toe into the water to check the temperature.  You're not expecting the water to be as cold/warm as it may be, but you don't know until you put yourself out there.

I'm sorry for being so philosophical today but...

No matter where you go in life, never forget the first time you dipped your toe in the water.  Sometimes such a small thing... like a butterfly flapping it's wings in China... can have profound effects on the rest of the world.

-M.C.K.

Fighting Insomnia

Since I was little, I remember always having trouble sleeping.  It was an uncomfortable feeling.  Half of me wanted to stay up... to be around my family and such.  The other half of me was just plain exhausted... and wanted the release of sleep.

Now that I'm 25 and on the right meds, I realize something.  Insomnia is another way I'm reaching back.

I felt comfortable, after the years passed, in staying awake. 

This may not seem that critical, but as it is now 12:36 in the morning and I'm still awake... I am not worried about staying awake to write this.

I'm content.  I'm happy with where I am in life.

To say those words and actually mean them... is incredible for me.

Good night all.  I can say that and know that sleep will come when it comes... and I'll be ready to greet it.

The meaning of life

We all look for it.  We all strive to discover it.  We all give a large part of ourselves in order to find it.

The meaning of life is, in my opinion, different for all of us.

Whether by religious standards, personal moralities, or the work we do day in and day out... we all want to find out... what are we working towards?

For a single mother, her meaning of life could be to raise her son.  She could envelop herself in this definition and let it encompass her entire being.  She would treat every day as a goal to raise him and wouldn't rest that night until she felt that she had done everything in her power to set a good example, feed him properly, teach him the lessons she was taught at a young age, and so on.

For a father of four, married to the love of his life, his meaning of life could be, well, different.  It could be several sentences long.  For instance...

His meaning of life is to have a happy and fulfilled day, to kiss his wife at least once before the day was through, to engage his children in meaningful conversation before bed time, and to sit down in his home office to pay bills.

The funny thing about society, in my eyes anyways, is that people would look at the two individuals I've described and think:  the father is happier!  He has the better life!  He wins!

Now without further examination, maybe yeah... he's the happier of the two.  He has someone who can help raise his children, he isn't separated from the mother of his four kids, and gun to his head, he couldn't make a choice to change his life even if he was forced to.

But let's say instead... that the single mother and the husband of four were divorced.  From each other.

The single mother hasn't remarried, like her husband, because she hasn't found her soul mate yet.  She is perfectly content, however, because although she may think about finding him from time to time... she is so happy to have a son that for now, it's more than enough.  She may work or she may not... but however she's a mother... she's a damned good one.

The father of four may seem perfectly happy, with no qualms or worries in his mind.  But he has a son that doesn't live with him.  A son raised by the single mother he divorced.

Now I could launch into a full blown story here about how he misses his son, how the single mother and the father of four divorced, and all that jazz. 

But I won't.

Because I don't want to take away from my first point.

The meaning of life... is, can, may, should, could, was, and shall be different for all of us.

My meaning of life?

To be the best father/son/brother/friend I can be to the people who care about me... and even a few who don't.

And at the end of the night, I can sleep soundly with one single thought.

I'm a lucky guy.

Defining Myself

I'd like to think we all look for definitions.

Not just for words we hear in passing that we don't understand.

I also think we look for definitions in everything.

In a philosophical sense, I personally try to define my life, my role, my feelings, my perceptions.  Everything around me has to have a why, a who, a what, a where, and a how.  I need to connect the dots.  I need to not only see how Point A reaches Point B, I need to know why the two points needed to be connected in the first place.

In some ways this is my crutch, my burden to bear.  I have become more vocal in the passing years, however.  My burdens become heavy words for all who choose to hear them and my friends and family who want to hear them.

For so long, I defined myself as the good guy... in the video games I played and the novels I'd write. 

Then I was given... this disorder.  It became my new definition.

So now... the point of this blog...

My New Year's Resolution is to stop trying to define everything and just let everything... be. 

I am a 25 year old man WITH bipolar disorder.  I'm not:

Michael Kelly, proper noun:
              1)  A man who has bipolar disorder
              2)  A father
              3)  A son
              4)  A friend
              5)  A burden

Wish me luck.

Script writing

Working on my first... fan fiction I guess they call it.

It feels good to actively write. Having a completed book/manual/editorial/whatever gives me a sense of personal fulfillment.

Even if I don't finish my current project, I'll move onto the next. I'm done beating myself up over incomplete works. Each story is a learning experience.

Even the bad ones.

Finding new muses

In a low, writing came easily.  It was fluid, it was unfiltered, it was passionate.  Now that I've attained neutrality, writing becomes more difficult.  Ideas are harder to come by as my disinterest grows.

It is my hope that I'll sit down and write a script by the end of the week. 

It's all about baby steps... taking one thing at a time... using smaller goals to propel one's self into the larger goals that lay further down the road.

I believe the only difference between someone who falls and someone who acquires their dream is passion.  I will hold onto my passions for the rest of my life... hopefully realizing my dream along the way.

Neutrality attained

I use that title loosely, however.  My disorder is notorious for jumping from high to low back to high again.

I feel... great today.  I'm definitely medicated... I can feel that.  My brain is slower... my thoughts much easier to process.  I actually wrote a mock manual about how to deal with the highs if/when they occur again.

It's a good day.  Just slow and easy... one thing at a time.

I appear to write less when I'm medicated.  I guess I have far less to say/complain about when I'm actually happy.

Ah, one last thing.

Having no car sucks.  Total lack of independence, man.

Who I used to be

I used to be a guy who had to appear to be... righteous.  I always had to come across as nice, easy going, but genuine.  I had to be honest at the cost of everything else.  I had to be the guy no one could say anything bad about.

Well today...

I don't know who I am.  Am I that guy?  Or am I the guy I was with Sara?  Am I simply defined as a father with bipolar disorder?  Or does it run deeper than that?

I don't know where my definition lies.

I guess... I'll find the answer later in life.

As for my love...

She's shown me who she is.  I just have to make my own steps from this point to define who I really am.  No matter what she says, I know who I really am.

I'm the nice guy.

I always will be.

Who Am I Without Her?

That is a hard question to face.

When I was with Sara, I was happy.  I was confident in our relationship.  Everything we had and everything we struggled to obtain.  Nothing could drag me down too much because well... I had her.  She was my rock.  I had everything in her.

Now I've lost her.  I've been struggling not to face this... in fact, I've done an admirable job just ignoring it as I do with everything that hurts.  This is and has always been a terrible way to deal with stress and let downs.  Eventually it does catch up and it sends me spiraling into a low.  Unfortunately, I don't know another way to live my life.

The past couple days I've been spiraling.  I reach out for familiarity... for what IS certain to avoid facing what ISN'T.

With Sara I knew that I'd wake up, she'd be there.  If something crummy happened, she'd be there to listen... to guide me into tomorrow.  She'd be patient enough to wait until I COULD come to her.  I have never met such a strong individual.

That's why our end is so confusing to me.  She could stick it out through so much... but when I truly needed her... when I was at my weakest... when I was the most scared... she left.  I still haven't seen her in person since things ended. 

I don't understand why.  All I'm left with is this... empty, hollow feeling.  Like I don't matter.  Like I never will.

I am... done with relationships.  I'll never meet someone who can face the lows... the highs... and whatever else.  I told Sara... on a number of occasions... "This is what I'll say.  This is what I'll do.  Can you stick it out?"  She told me nothing could change how much she loved me.

How can I be left with anything but hopelessness?  She was the strongest woman I ever dated... and even she left me.

Love... true love... what the hell is that?  It exists so long as it doesn't inconvenience?  It can be there as long as things NEVER get hard?

News flash.  Love isn't easy.  It's hard.  You have to work at it.  Day in... day out... 24/7.  It doesn't stop because someone gets sick... or becomes destitute.  It sticks it out through disorders, losses, gains, and everything else.  It doesn't give up during times of crisis.  It stays strong.  It remains patient.  It NEVER gives up.

So... "true love"... that thing I've always held onto... always wanted to believe in... I concede.  If you're out there, you're definitely not out there for me.

I'll find my own way without you.  I can get by on my own.  Somehow... someway.

For those of you who have found true love... a love you can't give up on... a love that will always be there... congratulations.  I may not believe in love where I'm concerned... but that doesn't mean I won't believe in it where it does exist.

I hope to find a way to redefine who I am... where I want to be.  I just need to find my own way. 

True Love

You can't "do whatever it takes" with love.  There are checks and balances, there are eventualities, and there are guidelines.  Too long I've believed that "love can make it through anything."  I'm not giving up on love entirely I'm just... changing my perspective.  It's the only way I can survive.

Love is a great fascination.  I will always hold out for it... hoping to capture it again.  But I won't let it consume every fiber of my being.  Not again.  Not any longer.

There are too many things in the world to just... get that happily ever after.  A movie doesn't show the six girls that (enter main character's name here) loved and lost along the way.  Most of the time it shows him give his all to ONE girl.  Then it shows the audience... us... that loving her is just enough.

But that's not real life. 

No matter what we feel... no matter what we want... the only way love can truly survive is for BOTH people to want it to.  Otherwise, your energy and focus is for naught.  Nothing can come of it.  Nothing will come of it.

I can want my ex badly and wholeheartedly... but if she doesn't want me back... then I'm just wanting an old facsimile of what I used to have.

I reached back for the past... and I came up with nothing, nada, zilch.  Then I was left with... this.  This empty feeling.

I hate it.  I hated feeling it the first time... and I hate it today.

So does true love exist?  I believe it does.  But for the "lucky" few who have a personality disorder... a deal breaker for even the strongest of couples... it may be near impossible to find someone to be with.

If I couldn't make it work with Sara... how could I make it work with someone else?  The answer I fear is... clouded within my mind.  I will find a way out... a way to what I need and someone that is strong enough to stand by me if I ever crumble again.

My problem isn't that people leave... it's that they don't come back when needed.  I didn't need someone when I was high... but I did need someone when I was low.  The lack of support and being there during that time speaks volumes... and I expect no more than I'd be willing to give. 

This is my cross to bear.  This is my burden to carry.

True love is out there... it just may be a while before I ever get a chance to see it come my way.

Combating depression

I feel like a clock.

Let me expand on that.

A clock has many parts.  Cogs, wheels, screws, hands, etc.  These things must work in perfect harmony to complete it's definitive use... that is, telling time.  If one of these small pieces falters or breaks... the clock can't keep perfect time.  The clock may not feel useless at this point, but for all intents and purposes... it is useless. 

When I get depressed, I lose meaning.  My objectives fall by the wayside... my to do list becomes a to do later list.  Procrastination, apathy, and negativity become my crutches... my excuses.  I lose all that made me a complete version of myself.

That last sentence may seem confusing.  But I assure you... that is the perfect description of how I feel.  I feel incomplete.  I feel... a complete and utter lack of drive.  I feel... far from perfect.

When I'm neutral or high... I am constantly looking to attain perfection (though I keep in mind it's a never ending quest as perfection is an impossible goal).  When I'm low... I just want to survive.  Day by day... I just want to see the sun rise one more time... I want to see my friends laugh... and I want to watch the clock tick...

I want to witness these certainties. 

Because when I lose the drive to see certainties... that's when I find myself in trouble.

I need to want things.  I need to have those things that can't falter... those things that can't break.

I'm a clock... and I'm constantly breaking... finding myself in desperate need of repairs by technicians who have always handled me. 

I have so many cogs and other small moving parts that one thing can set the whole mess out of whack. 

So now...

I need to find the instances that will make me smile once more.  Make me laugh, make me chuckle, make me whole.

I need optimism.  I need patience.  I need understanding.

I need a strong foundation.

I need to be... whole.

I will search for all that it takes to be complete again.

It always catches up

No matter how high I fly, no matter the duration... I always come crashing back down. 

At the time of impact there is only one thing that can save me.

The love and support of family and friends.

Cheesy, I know.  But if you ever find yourself in this predicament... where your emotions run the gamut from happy to sad in a matter of seconds... you'll find that there are a few things you can do to curb the disorder.

First, company.  Keep good company... positive company... to remain positive.  This will combat any depression.

Second, necessary solitude.  Sometimes you need to be alone to collect your thoughts, get yourself back to neutral.  Good company is important but so is a good sanctuary.

Third, music/art/books/shows/etc.  An outlet to help get yourself happy again.  Personally, I need technology.  The more music blaring, tv shows going, social networking sites active, text messages chiming... the better.

Everyone has their own personalized list... things they need and things they need to abstain from.  This is my personalized list... and it helps to see it in writing... as a reference for all the things I need and the circumstances under which they can help.

The Pendulum Swings- 12/1/11

When the clock strikes you hear chimes
I hear the passage of time
When the pendulum swings you find peace
I can't help but find reason to be

What we see is different, no doubt
This is a fever you can't sweat out
Lie with me but not at me
The truth will always set you free

We knew the day would arrive
To see if our love could survive
We thought we'd weather that perfect storm
But how do you fight against the norm?

You hold fire, I hold ice
You stay strong, I stay nice
You stay smart, I dumb down
You stay home, I wander around

There's nothing left to really say
We just went a separate way
We lacked everything we need
Now our hearts pump fast to bleed

Strengths is you, wisdom too
I hold beauty in my view
You hold reason, I say no
I'd rather take life- blow by blow

That is all that he wrote
Neither of us can gloat
For forever lies ahead
We wouldn't be better off dead

-M.C.K. 12/1/11 at 2:34 p.m.

Depression Sets In

Today I am feeling the pendulum swing the other way.  I was on a high for a while, an extreme one.  The military mindset kicked in, my delusions began, and I became unmanageable.

Now I'm back to being the guy who was depressed for three years.  Who could barely manage to clean, who had no patience to learn (or desire to learn for that matter) how to manage his life.

I hate this.

I truly... despise it.

I hate the highs... but I despise the lows.

Now I'm forced to stay in one place... to avoid swinging one way or the other... and I'll probably sleep more... and do less... and gain weight... and lose ambition.

Maybe to everyone around me... these lows are more manageable.  But not to me. 

Not by a longshot.